Hi, hello there, please stop what you're doing, because we have something Very Important to discuss — which Hogwarts House would each of the Avengers be in? You might be tempted to say they're all Gryffindors right off the bat, because everyone is so willing to jump into battle without a second thought, but that would be oversimplifying it. We do not oversimplify here at Alexis Rhiannon's School for Young Witches and Wizards. Now please take your seats, and for Merlin's sake stop making each other fart with your wands. I never should have told you that that was my favorite spell back in the day.
So, the Avengers that we'll be sorting today are just the six originals from the movies we have so far — Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and The Hulk. I'm perfectly aware that there are more Avengers coming our way up the pipeline, and that I could probably Sort them too, but they don't even have their own movie yet, so let's get real. The Sorting Hat is a privilege, not a right, and so far just those six originals have earned it. So welcome to your first year at Hogwarts, Avengers. Let's get you Sorted.
Captain America Is A Hufflepuff
Part of this almost certainly has to do with the actor who plays him, because Chris Evans strikes me as someone who's perpetually positive and good-natured, like a Hufflepuff. But it's also about Captain America's view of the world. The guy's whole deal is his patriotism, which underlines his loyalty: Steven Rodgers is able to throw his whole self behind defending his country, which is ultra 'Puffian.
The Hulk Is A Slytherin
I initially shied away from sorting The Hulk into this House, because I was worried I was doing it simply because he's literally the color of Slytherin's banners. But the more I think about it, the more unavoidable it is. It isn't necessarily a fair assumption overall, but, in the version of the world that J.K. Rowling wrote, many members of Slytherin were concealing their most ambitious inner selves within them as more "monstrous" versions that they tried to prevent from getting out. Hard not to compare that to Bruce Banner, who literally bursts out of his own skin when he loses control.
Black Widow Is A Ravenclaw
I don't care if she is a spy and you'd expect her to go solid Slytherin. Anyone whose brain is so strong that they can literally restore their own erased memories to discover who they are post-brainwashing doesn't belong anywhere but in Ravenclaw House. And we (because yes I'm a Ravenclaw, duh) would be lucky to count a brilliant tactician such as Natasha Romanova among our ranks.
Thor Is A Gryffindor
Weirdly enough, Thor has been the hardest for me to categorize, because I feel like his personality isn't fleshed out in the same way that the other Avengers are. So maybe I just won't overthink it. Because Thor represents strength and bravery and confidence — nothing like being descended from an actual goddess to boost that for you — I'll put him into Gryffindor where he belongs. Just make sure you don't bring that Hammer of yours into the Common Room. Seems like that's just asking for trouble.
Hawkeye Is A Slytherin
I briefly considered not even Sorting Hawkeye at all, because he's my least favorite, and I'm not even convinced he got a Hogwarts letter. But, in the spirit of fairness, let's do this. All biases aside, Hawkeye is definitely a Slytherin, for the simple fact of his job as a sniper requires him to isolate himself from others and literally pick people off. It has a lot in common with the bullying methods that Draco Malfoy and his friends employ, so I think your boy Clinton Francis Barton would fit right in. Cool and detached is his way of life, so I hope you speak Parseltongue, my dude.
Iron Man Is A Slythindor
Once again, I was very torn here, as there was a lot about Tony Stark's ambition and resourcefulness that pointed me toward Slytherin. But, ultimately, what stopped me in my tracks is the fact that the typical Slytherin is shrewd and cunning, and therefore takes a while to come to a decision. And ,if there's one thing I know about Iron Man, it's that he's not about that "waiting around" life. He's much more likely to get himself into trouble by jumping into a situation without taking full stock of it, and then having to use all those snake traits to wriggle out. In other words, his Gryffindor side is how he gets into trouble, and his Slytherin side is how he gets out. So with that, I think I'll form an entirely new house for Mr. Stark, a combination of the two, and name it Slythindor. That's the only way to fully capture his essence.
And there you have it. Disagree if you want, but I'm pretty sure I'm correct, and I'll stand behind this Sorting of Avengers until they put me in the ground.
Images: Marvel Studios; Giphy (6)
