24 Dorothy Parker Quotes When You're Sick Of Men

Look, do I hate men? No. Well, not all the time. But do I love Dorothy Parker? Yes, always. All through college, whenever I was having devastating boy troubles (so, about three times a day), I would turn to The Portable Dorothy Parker for comfort. Dorothy Parker was a wisecracking poet, writer, critic, and satirist of the 1920s and 1930s, and she alone could turn my despair into bitter, feminist laughter. She struggled with depression and tumultuous relationships throughout her life, but she never lost her wickedly sharp wit or her acerbic, lovelorn, endlessly clever sense of humor.

But that's not the only reason to pick up one of Dorothy's books this Women's History Month. Because even though she claimed that she was "just a little Jewish girl, trying to be cute," she was a lifelong civil rights activist. She helped found the Hollywood Anti-Nazi League, and she left her estate to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the NAACP. She even has a memorial garden at the headquarters of the NAACP, which includes the epitaph she suggested for herself: "Excuse My Dust."

If Dorothy Parker had lived to see the age of Twitter, she would have had some savage tweets. But alas, we must make do with the Dorothy Parker quips that we have. So here are just a few of her wittiest wisecracks:

1. I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

2. Some men tear your heart in two, Some men flirt and flatter, Some men never look at you, And that clears up the matter.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

3. Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

4. I wish I could drink like a lady. “Two or three,” at the most. But two, and I’m under the table— And three, I'm under the host.

― Dorothy Parker, The Harlequin, Volume 2

5. Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

― Dorothy Parker, While Rome Burns

6. Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

7. By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing. And he vows his passion is, Infinite, undying. Lady make note of this— One of you is lying.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

8. Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

9. What fresh hell is this?

― Dorothy Parker every time the doorbell rings, The Portable Dorothy Parker

10. I won't telephone him. I'll never telephone him again as long as I live. He'll rot in hell, before I'll call him up. You don't have to give me strength, God; I have it myself. If he wanted me, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows I'm waiting here. He's so sure of me, so sure. I wonder why they hate you, as soon as they are sure of you.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

11. If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

12. Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

― Dorothy Parker, New York World

13. I shudder at the thought of men.... I'm due to fall in love again.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

14. If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

15. Ducking for apples— change one letter and it's the story of my life.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

16. Men: They hail you as their morning star Because you are the way you are. If you return the sentiment, They'll try to make you different… They'd alter all that they admired. They make me sick, they make me tired.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

17. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

18. Be you wise and never sad, You will get your lovely lad. Never serious be, nor true, And your wish will come to you— And if that makes you happy, kid, You'll be the first it ever did.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

19. If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.

― Dorothy Parker, While Rome Burns

20. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much, But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn…

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

21. All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

22. All I have to be thankful for in this world is that I was sitting down when my garter busted.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

23. Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.

― Dorothy Parker, The Ladies of the Corridor

24. I'm of the glamorous ladies At whose beckoning history shook. But you are a man, and see only my pan, So I stay at home with a book.

― Dorothy Parker, The Portable Dorothy Parker

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