The Secret To Increasing Intimacy In Your Sex Life

Intimacy is key in any romantic relationship. It seems to be one of those things couples need to have in order to maintain a long term relationship. I talked to sex and intimacy expert, Dr. Laura Berman on the importance of intimacy in a relationship, if couples in long distance relationships can still be intimate with the miles in between, and some fun hacks to bring more intimacy into your sex life.

According to Dr. Berman, when sex is working in a relationship, that's just one part of the entire relationship that's succeeding, but when it’s not working, it can take on a life of its own. That’s why having intimacy in your relationship is so important. It’s one of the primary communication tools couples use to "transmit depth and intensity of their romantic connection." But to no one's surprise, men and women achieve intimacy in hetero relationships in different ways.

“It’s not something women can physically go from zero to 60,” Dr. Berman tells Bustle. “It’s about nurturing the relationship in a way so she’s primed for sex and he’s primed for connection.”

And if you’re in a long-distance relationship, don’t worry. Intimacy can still be achieved thanks to modern technology. As Dr. Berman finds with most couples she works with, virtual sex of any kind works. Men in particular, are still participating in a shared sexual experience, which becomes the most important thing to him. So, just because you’re miles away, it doesn’t mean he won’t feel intimate with you.

“It’s not so easy to maintain that when you’re both not in the same room, but it’s certainly better than no sex,” Dr. Berman says. But she also adds, that you definitely need that physical body-to-body touch and contact from time to time.

Most recently, Dr. Berman was involved with the Kinsey Institute and K-Y’s Touch Initiative to recognize the importance of touch in relationships. They found that 87 percent of those surveyed said touch was important in building intimacy, however more than a third said they weren’t being touched enough by their partner. Sure, we get touched by people all the time. Parents, for instance, may constantly have kids hanging off their arms, but as Dr. Berman says, romantic touch is different and very important to keep in mind. “It’s a unique gift that you and your partner have an opportunity to have with one another,” Dr. Berman says.

Here are five fun ways to increase intimacy in your sex life, according to Dr. Berman:

1. Be Aware Of Your Energies

This is one way to really elevate the physical experience with your partner. In her new book, Quantum Love , Dr. Berman addresses the need of incorporating awareness of your body’s energy and its impact on your partner. So, what exactly does that mean? According to Dr. Berman, we’re all radiating an energetic frequency in our partners. In turn, our relationship partners somehow become in tune to us.

When you touch your partner, it’s important to be conscious of your body’s energy. As in, get yourself in a loving, emotional frame of mind. That way, when you touch your partner, you’ll be able to communicate those feelings and energy of love through your hands. Think of it as bringing love from your heart into theirs.

“I find that with the couples I teach, there really is an awareness that it feels deeper. That there is a connection,” Dr. Berman says. “You’ll find that your partner really matches you without words. It’s really cool if you play with that.”

2. Make A Point To Have A Very Erotic Non-Intercourse Night

As in, don't have sex — at least not in the traditional way. Do everything else: Touch each other a lot, use things you find in the fridge, use things you find laying around the house, etc. Dr. Berman says, it’s all about “turning foreplay into a home run.” But just know, the key to making such a night a success is open communication.

4. Make A Fantasy Box Together

Write down five role play or fantasy ideas you want to act out with each other, suggests Dr. Berman. Put them in a box or a bag and once a month or maybe even once every couple of weeks, pull them out. Whoever’s fantasy it just so happens to be takes charge and tries to make it happen.

4. Secret Santa

In this game , each partner brings home something from a local drug store that they want to try out in the bedroom. According to Dr. Berman, it can be anything from a new lube to a new scarf that you might want to tie your partner up with. It can even be food items you want to eat off your partner. Whatever it is, go to the local drug store, find something you want to play with, and bring it back home to the bedroom.

5. Get Virtual

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, don’t worry. Intimacy can still be achieved thanks to modern technology. As Dr. Berman finds with most couples she works with, virtual sex of any kind works. Men in particular, are still participating in a shared sexual experience, which becomes the most important thing to him. So, just because you’re miles away, it doesn’t mean he won’t feel intimate with you.

“It’s not so easy to maintain that when you’re both not in the same room, but it’s certainly better than no sex,” Dr. Berman says. But she also adds, that you definitely need that physical body-to-body touch and contact from time to time.

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