Like most of America, the first time I ever saw Adam Driver was on Girls , back in my immediate post-collegiate days in early 2013. If you had asked me if he was a talented actor, I would have been like, "yes, duh, look at him," but I was also far too blinded by my RIDICULOUS AND CRIPPLING ANXIETY for all the FICTIONAL CHARACTERS getting into shenanigans on that show to think that thought independently. (Legit, I'd have to hit pause and whisper, "No, Hannah, no" into the darkness of my midnight Girls binge until I felt emotionally ready to hit play and watch her burn all her fictional bridges again. I'm such a weenie.)
Cut to Christmas 2015. As an avid Star Wars fan, I was beyond ready for The Force Awakens — but alas, I was not ready for the OTHER thing that awakened by the time I had left the theater. And by other thing I mean a ridiculous obsession with Adam Driver's entire being.
I need to differentiate between infatuation and obsession here. Like, don't get me wrong — if an unmarried Adam Driver clone came over with a box of glazed donuts and was like, "You. Me. Right here, right now," I'd be all in, because duh. But my fixation with him goes so much deeper than my usual level of mild fangirl. In fact, I've gone straight from Mild Fan all the way to Trash Person re: Adam Driver's existence in several weeks flat. Watching him act is so weirdly captivating and personal that you feel like a rubbernecker, like the things he is doing and saying are actually happening and you're the asshole watching a stranger in some deeply intense and private moment. You forget you're watching a movie, you forget there's a script, because there is something so raw and unpredictable about literally every performance he gives that you just kind of ... well, end up writing articles about how bizarrely obsessed with him you are, that's what.
If you have also delved as deep into this existentially confusing rabbit hole with me, then you too will recognize the stages of your spiraling Adam Driver obsession, including and not limited to:
You Justify It By Saying It’s About Kylo Ren
“I just dig bad guys,” you tell yourself, figuratively fist-bumping your edgy, eyeliner-smushed 15-year-old self for coming to this conclusion. “And Kylo Ren is a bad mamma jamma.”
“But you hated Draco Malfoy. And Spike. And Loki,” your unhelpful, stupid, sh*t of a brain reminds you. “Why would this baddie be any different?”
"Because," you tell yourself petulantly.
Well. At least you got the last word.
You Seriously Scared Your Neighbors During His SNL Stint
I like to keep things fresh in my 'hood by engaging my neighbors in a rousing round of, "Is That A Woman Laughing, Or Someone Illegally Harboring A Dying Whale In Their Shoebox Apartment?" Driver slayed too hard for my lung capacity. Also, Matt the Radar Technician is bae.
You Are Possessed To Re-Watch Literally All Of Girls So You Can Watch His Character Arc
God bless my parents' generosity with their HBOGo password and the seven hour train ride I took upstate last weekend, because I binge-watched all four seasons of that show so intensely that when I got back home to NYC I briefly forgot I was not, in fact, Lena Dunham. (Foiled again.) For real, though, the arc Driver takes with this character is cuh-rrussshhinggggly on point, even though I will probs end up pulling all my hair out from the secondhand stress of these characters living their lives.
You Are Devastated That You Did Not Adopt The "Adam Driver Cat"
Honesty hour: I HATE cats. But I could have loved this one. We could have been so happy together. I ... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just need a moment.
You Keep Finding Not-So-Casual Ways To Uncasually Bring Him Up In Conversation
Friend: Do you want to split an app?
You: A buddy of mine said he saw Kylo Ren take his shirt off in the shower and he said that Kylo Ren had an eight pack.
Friend: ...
Friend: Come on.
You Gut His Entire Netflix History Over The Course Of One Night
You possibly skip past some Non-Adam Driver scenes to get to the Adam Driver scenes faster. And then aggressively YouTube the trailers for all the movies that aren't on there just to cover as many bases as you can.
You Will Fight Anyone Who Says One Slightly Critical Thing About Him To The Death
*Ignites lightsaber*
What the hell did you just say about this precious f*cking gift to mankind? YEAH PUNK YOU BETTER RUN.
You Have Had Some Genuinely Bizarre Dreams About Him
Not just that kind of dream, but like, weird dreams. "Episode of Girls meets your effed up Freudian subconscious" type dreams. The other day we co-adopted a dog with Obama. I suspect we will all be very happy together.
You Have Delved Frighteningly Deep Into Kylo Ren Backstory Theories
My tally of published Bustle articles on the psyche of Kylo Ren has already reached eight, and I have no intention of slowing down or logging the hell off the blackhole that is Tumblr any time soon.
You Have Watched This Video Approximately 8,000 Times
Poe Dameron and Kylo Ren are in a space boy band with Justin Timberlake and guys the sequel to Force Awakens looks so good.
Hair
Nobody knows their way around a bottle of conditioner quite like a Skywalker man. (Help.)
Images: Giphy; Getty Images
