The 8 Stages of a Bieber Breakdown

Unless you don’t own a TV, a phone, or a computer (although I assume you do since you’re reading this right now), then you likely already know that Justin Bieber was not only arrested for a DUI but also for driving with an expired license and resisting arrest. After egging his neighbor’s house, peeing on everything because apparently he can, and reportedly going to brothels, Bieber looks like he’s on his way out. I mean seriously, we’re talking about a kid who had his bodyguards freakin’ carry him up the Great Wall of China. Get outta here. However, if anything, we should have seen this downward spiral coming since many of the singer’s incidents seem to follow in the footsteps of another train wreck: Lindsay Lohan.

Bieber is already close to the halfway point of the eight stages of a celebrity meltdown, and if he doesn’t clean his act up now, he can probably expect his career go down the drain like Lohan’s did. So for all you Beliebers out there, and for Bieber himself, here I am to act as your fortuneteller, and my tarot card says you’re pretty much screwed.

Wealth and Fame Lead to Big Ego

Remember when Lohan and Wilmer Valderrama used to date? I’m sure most of you have forgotten considering everything else you can remember about Lohan, mostly consisting of jail and drugs, but it happened. That’s also when the starlet frequented the party scene despite being underage, but we all forgave her for it because “Oh she’s just a celebrity, she can do what she wants.” Many stars belieb they can do what they want because they’re famous, but then they’re brought back down to earth by the realistic bar and club owners of America who don’t care about celebrities, and will stick it to them by forbidding them from entering their establishment underage.

Bieber, like Lohan, has made his own attempts at going to 21+ clubs and has been kicked out despite his best efforts. Earth to all celebs out there… we all have to make a living too. If it is publicly known that an owner sells to a minor, then his or her business could be closed down. It’s okay, we know you don’t understand how the other side of the world works.

Public breakup

For a while, it seemed like everyone was rooting Lohan and girlfriend Samantha Ronson on. Yet it appeared that the public spotlight was too much for the couple to handle, and they split in 2009. Similarly, the whole world was obsessed over Bieber and former girlfriend, Selena Gomez, but then they parted ways, as well. Then there were some Segway rides together, Instagram photos… and then they broke up again. However, when someone like Gomez breaks up with you, I’m pretty sure it’s your fault, because #TeamSelena.

Car accidents and DUIs

Normal people, meaning the little people like you and me, typically get arrested, go to jail and get our license taken away for DUIs. It’s okay though, because Bieber can cash out the $2,500 that was necessary for him to post bail, hed to Panama, and the world is good again. Remember when Lohan wrecked her Mercedes-Benz after also driving under the influence in 2007? Coincidence? I think not. Hey guys, real glad you didn’t hurt anyone. Just saying.

Actual Jail Time

First there’s the slap on the wrist and eventually you actually go to jail, because the police can only deal with your annoying antics for so long. Bieber is lucky he didn’t get a jail sentence, because Lohan has been in jail enough times that she’s actually made friends. Also, I’m not sure why it is that both Bieber and Lohan had surprisingly attractive mugshots the first time they were arrested. I don’t plan on being arrested anytime soon, or ever actually, but I would like to know their photo tips ahead of time.

Claims To Get Better

A judge is really like God, because he or she determines your fate. Should I make this person’s life a living hell or should I give them one more chance? That’s why celebs deem it necessary to convince them that they’ll go to rehab to get better and will never ever be bad again. Of course judges don’t buy that because that’s like telling your teacher your dog ate your homework, but they probably just pity you and grant you one more chance. Then there are people like Lohan who like to tempt the gods to see if she can get away with just one more stupid thing. Bieber doesn't even think he has a problem yet, but has already claimed that if you keep believing in him, that's all that matters.

Rehab Completion… Kind Of

Honestly, is it really even necessary to map out how many times Lohan went to rehab, checked out, was arrested again, then went back to rehab? I’d rather watch paint dry. But you best belieb that if Bieber’s life continues the way it is now, he’ll probably be in rehab himself. Maybe that’s for the best though, because I’m not sure how the star will get better otherwise.

Desperate Projects for Money

Against my better judgment, I actually watched part of The Canyons and then decided to go wash my hair instead. Then I took my cat on a walk because anything was better than watching Lohan’s once great acting fall victim to a truly bizarre erotic movie. Even before this however, Lohan was featured in Playboy to recreate a Marilyn Monroe spread. You know it’s getting bad when you have to turn from Mean Girls to Playboy in order to make money. Playgirl would really just be doing the world a disservice if it ever offered Bieber the chance to be in their magazine, but if he gets desperate enough ...

Coming Full Circle With a Documentary Deal

Although Lohan pissed off one of the world’s most powerful women, Oprah Winfrey, I’ll give the Biebs the benefit of the doubt here and say it could be Ellen DeGeneres who will offer him a documentary deal. She’s nice to everyone. Yet after Bieber’s downfall, he will pick back up again and try to fix his tarnished reputation as Lohan is attempting to do now. Everyone will forgive him and the world will be harmonious once again because celebrities always get what they want. Fin.

Images: Huffington Post, E! Online, perezhilton, worldofwonder.net