9 Emotional Stages You Go Through Before Coffee

Man, mornings are rough. There's a lot going on inside your head before that morning coffee. Most of it involving getting your zombie ass from bed to kitchen just to suck on that sweet, sweet first hit of caffeine. Once you've had it, you're resurrected from your dead, sleepy state, with coffee working miracles on your body. You're able to walk, talk, and emote like a proper human. You're ready to face the day. Work challenges? No problem, with coffee! Subway commute getting you down? That's OK, coffee! Can't sit through one more boring meeting? Mmmmm, coffee! Coffee's got your back.

Everything is bleaker in that first part of the day before your coffee. Personally, I like to get out of bed and straight to the coffee. Some people choose to wait until they get to work, or leave it until post morning-gym sesh. I don't know how these people live. The amount of terrifying thoughts that go through ones head pre-first coffee of the day is astounding, and I wouldn't wish to draw that out any longer than necessary. Your pre-coffee emotional state is, of course, a delicate, volatile thing. Here are some of the emotional stages one might experience before their morning coffee:

1. Discombobulation

When you first wake up you're very disoriented, sometimes unsure of where you are, always slightly confused.

2. Disappointment

When you realize what's happening, you'll fall into a state of disappointment. Oh. You're awake. It's day time again. You can't sleep any more. Great.

3. Denial

This is around the time you hit snooze, because this can't be happening to you. Not now. More sleep, please.

4. Panic

After hitting snooze for the millionth time and finally doing the mental math to realize you have to leave for work in TEN MINUTES, you start panicking. This usually involves jolting out of bed like lightning and picking up the closest clothes to throw on. Coffee, obviously, is more important than a shower.

5. Pain

But you got up too fast. It hurts, everything hurts. The light is stinging your eyes! Your legs aren't working! It's cold! Wahhhhh!

6. Desperation

You'll claw through the pain to get to your nearest coffee. You're frantic now, needing that hit to wake you up.

7. Anticipation

As you wait in line at the coffee shop/for the kettle to boil, you'll tap, tap, tap, tap your feet in anticipation. You're like a child on Christmas Eve. Nothing can make you more excited.

8. Impatience

That foot tapping starts to get a little angry as your anticipation turns to impatience. You want an oompa-loompa, I mean, COFFEE, NOW, DAMMIT.

9. Relief

Once you get your hands on your cup of coffee, instant relief will flood you. And even before you take your first sip, just holding it will have the placebo effect of calming you down and waking you up. All is right with the world again.

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