Is Nickelodeon's Doug Crush-Worthy?

As we get painfully older and Nickelodeon births a nostalgic '90s channel, we're forced to confront our cartoon crushes of the past. Admit it, Helga Pataki wasn't the only one who had a crush on Arnold, amirite? But beyond that, there are plenty of other animated heart throbs that need our distinct attention in the post-modern, laughingly critical age of Internet shamelessness. And when I say this, I am of course referring to the age out question: is Doug Yancy Funnie crush-worthy?

Yeah, I almost laughed up some reheated penne pasta writing that, I get it. But if we're going to dissect our attraction to animated lions and toy spacemen, I think we need to take this seriously, too. I mean, considering how much old school Nickelodeon audiences have been consuming recently, the thought has probably crossed your mind. While he's out swooning over his condiment-named crush, does it make sense for Patti Mayonnaise to like Doug back? Does it make sense for anyone to like Doug at all?

That's what we're going to examine today, my friends. So for your consideration, I broke down qualities that would measure attractiveness and judged our boy based on that. Stay tuned as we finally tackle whether it makes sense to have a crush on Nickelodeon's (or Disney's) Doug.

Is He Fashionable?

We're gonna start off on a resounding "No" here, because even without the ill-fitting khaki shorts, Doug wears a sweater vest. You know who can pull off a sweater vest? Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a quirky indie flick about love and loss, and literally no one else. Doug's outfit gets slightly less horrendous in the Disney cartoon, but slightly slimming down your pants and switching to three-quarter sleeves won't win you a fashion innovator award.

Does He Have Good Hair?

Good hair is so important, guys, seriously. Sadly Doug has like, nine strings that don't really make the cut. It doesn't make sense, either, because Judy's red coif is what Pinterest dreams are made of.

Does He Have A Sexy Alter-Ego?

I'm not sure how dignified Quailman is considering he literally wears his briefs over his shorts. Smash Adams has a debonair suaveness, though, so I think we can call this one a wash.

Does He Have Stellar Taste In Music?

I gave this one a lot of thought because I am one of the pretentious daughters-of-North-Brooklyn. What primarily drives Doug's musical taste is his obsession with The Beets, and at first impulse I was quick to write him off based on that. The Beets obviously have ties to The Beatles, and the guys I know obsessed with The Beatles are either profoundly into music or have not developed any taste beyond what their parents exposed them to as a child. But then I listened to "Killer Tofu" again, and like, it's a baller track. The guitar has sort of a Johnny Marr vibe to it, and I even vaguely detect... a slight R.E.M. vibe buried in there? The Beets are great.

So between that, and Doug's brief hit single "Banging On A Trash Can," I'll give him this round.

Is He Sensitive?

Doug is constantly writing in his journal, which I can really relate to and respect. I have Moleskine after Moleskine dedicated to my everyday thoughts, feels, and occurrences. With Doug, you'd never have to play games, and that's delightfully refreshing.

Is He Cool?

Like at all? No.

Is He A Literal Child?

Uh, yeah, basically. Even in Disney's Doug our hero is in, what, seventh grade? That means he's not even a teenager yet, which, let's face it, 13 would still be way creepy (and very illegal) for anyone who remembers this show from childhood. Why don't you have a seat right over there?

Verdict

Well, the verdict is that I will be a little bit judge-y if Doug was your cartoon crush, by virtue of his sweater vest alone. I think he has many great qualities that make it justifiable that Patti would find him attractive (the music thing is huge) but I remain unconvinced that Doug is truly crush-worthy to the modern millennial woman. Roger Klotz, on the other hand...

Images: Nickelodeon (1); Giphy (8)