It's Time To Let 'Full House's' Michelle Go

Friends, loved ones, John Stamos, we need to talk. I know your heart still hurts after learning Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen won't be on Fuller House, and you've been passionately searching for ways Michelle Tanner can be in the Netflix series. In fact, Stamos considered bringing on Elizabeth Olsen to play Michelle on Fuller House for a hot second, and that was the final straw for me as a Michelle Tanner fan. As much as it pains me, we need to accept that Michelle Tanner won't be in Fuller House, and that's OK.

Put down the pitchforks, and sit down next to me. I know it doesn't seem like a true full house with only 2/3rds of the Tanner sisters present, especially when this particular Tanner sister grew up before our very eyes. You may think that it isn't even worth it to have a new Full House without her, but I've got some bad news for you, sunshine: it's happening. The promos are already out there, there's no turning back now, so all there's left to do is move on. And because I'm such a good friend, I will help you cope with Michelle's absence with all the reasons it's decidedly fine that she's not there.

Cue the gentle piano music.

1. Mary-Kate And Ashley Are Grown-Ups Now

This may be hard to hear, kiddo, but Mary-Kate and Ashley are adult women. You might think that they owe their success to the sitcom, and inevitably they wouldn't be famous without it. However, Mary-Kate and Ashley were infants when they did Full House, and, now that they're adults, they are free to choose to do something else with their time. I'm sure they remember it as fondly as we do, but that doesn't mean they want to do any more acting, OK?

2. It Really Doesn't Make Sense For Michelle To Be There

Dig this: Uncle Jesse was about 24 when he moved into the full house to help Danny. Super young, yet he grew up quickly within the course of the show. Now, Michelle would be 29 years old, which seems eons older by comparison, except Michelle is a part of the 20-is-the-new-30 generation. And there's no way that a hardened millennial would find it fun to help raise her sisters' children and move back into her childhood home... wait. OK, actually the latter part makes sense, but, if you can be a millennial who can avoid moving back into your childhood home, yeah, do that.

3. Do You Really Want To See A 29-Year-Old Say "You Got It, Dude?"

No.

4. Michelle's Defining Quality Was Her Cuteness Factor & I Don't Know If That Would Hold Up Today

Not that Mary-Kate and Ashley aren't exquisite fashion icons, it's just that I'm not really sure "cute toddler" is the optimum phrase to describe them.

5. Michelle's Upbringing Makes Me Question What Kind Of Person She'd Be

On the upside, there was no lack of love in the full house. On the downside, Michelle, being the baby, was spoiled completely rotten. Even Yankee Doodle Dandy Derek gave her a spotlight in the school play, despite the fact that her acting prowess was sub par by comparison. I can only imagine that everyone catering to her whim made Michelle go full brat in adulthood, and do we want to see that?

6. Kimmy Gibbler > Michelle For Life

Though the Tanners loathed her and her abhorrent foot odor, Kimmy was easily the best part of Full House, or at least an interesting presence. She was bold, she was absurd, she was unapologetic, and she was crazy enough to get drunk that one time. I'd rather see what kind of craziness Adult Kimmy is up to, to be honest.

7. How Many Characters Can We Even Handle?

Fuller House isn't just a cute moniker, it's the truth: the house is plenty filled up. And between the old faces and the new faces (we're gonna get to know D.J. and Kimmy's kids, which sounds exhausting), we don't need to add Michelle.

8. Anyway, Too Many People At The Full House Is A Safety Hazard After A Certain Point

This was always true, I just want to point it out that the place always seemed over over capacity.

9. It'll Still Be Good Without Her

The show won't rise or fall because of the lack of Michelle, you guys. So, dry your tears, and hug it out with me. I know growing up is hard, but I promise, when you're lost out there and you're all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home.

And failing that, you have Netflix.

Images: Warner Bros. Television; Giphy (9)