13 Things Technophobes Just Don't Understand

I often call myself a technophobe, which is somewhat inaccurate, considering I work all day on a computer and waste plenty of time on Instagram. I've realized there is probably no accurate term for what I am, besides "tech-averse". I just don't enjoy technology as much as most people my age. In fact, I often resent it.

This is, of course, a problem, since I also work for a website. Every day, I have, at minimum, 10 tabs open at once, (and that's if I'm trying to focus). I'm monitoring the news, twitter, emailing, g-chatting, editing, choosing photos, on Slack … the list goes on. I'm sure it's the fact that I spend the majority of my waking hours on a computer that I've come to resent them so much, but if I'm honest, the aversion has always been there. I've always been fearful of technology's ability to numb me, to make my thinking more fractured and superficial, to distract me and my friends from the present moment.

After a decade plus of use, there are some things I'm starting to realize I'll never understand about technology. Things like…

1. Why People Think It's OK To Be On Their Phones During Parties/Dinners/Conversations

Seriously, this is so annoying. To the tech-averse, it's like watching nails on a chalkboard and the demise of humanity all at once, and it is really annoying and insulting. (Of course, unless we don't realize we're doing it, in which case, we have a total hypocritical blind spot.)

2. What The Big Rush To Update Our Software Is

Yes, I know, I know. We're supposed to do this. But the tech-averse simply read this prompt as one more demand technology is placing on our time, and we are liable to put it off much longer than necessary, clicking that "remind me later button" until suddenly, we don't understand why our program isn't running anymore, and we curse technology all over again.

3. How We Ended Up In A Job Where We Stare At A Computer Every Day

What a cruel irony it is that so many of us technophobic souls aren't working as teachers or rock climbing instructors or anything that would probably make us happy, but as sad mole people on computers in offices instead. It's a big part of why we're so tech-averse in the first place. We associate technology with work, and seriously don't get why someone would choose to spend all their downtime on the Internet or on Netflix. (Once again, unless we ourselves find ourselves doing it. Then, of course, we understand and just judge ourselves.)

4. How People Can Prefer Reading On Tablets

I only just broke down and bought a tablet, because I have always hated, hated, hated the idea of choosing to read digitally. Yes, I know it's worse for the environment to print paper, which is part of why I bought a tablet. I get it — it is lighter, more convenient, bla bla bla. I'm trying to use it, but I will never prefer it to holding a real book in my hands. Period.

5. Why People Are So Into Twitter

Yes, Twitter is super useful, interesting, and important. Not to mention, it's essential to my job. I know all these things, and that's why I'm on it and am trying to use it more and more. That said, if it weren't part of my job, I'm fairly certain I wouldn't be on Twitter.

Even knowing as much as I do about its benefits and cultural importance, it still usually reads like a bunch of masturbatory noise to me, and frankly, there's already enough of that to deal with during my day. I'm glad Twitter exists, but I will never get why people love it. That's my block, but there it is. (Oh, by the way, please follow me?)

6. How The Movie "Her" Didn't Freak You Out

Really, you weren't shaken to your core? What are you, a robot programed to pretend to love? This movie was every technophobe's nightmare — it depicted so poetically the isolation we feel interacting with technology, and our fears about where society is headed.

7. Why People Enjoy Troubleshooting

I mean, thank goodness for those of you who do, because all us tech-averse people would be lost without you. To us, the only thing worse than interacting with technology is interacting with broken technology. We watch you fix our computers with a detached amusement, like a toddler amazed that their parent knows how to open a bag of chips.

8. Why It's OK To Give Your Baby An iPhone To Play With

Seriously, have you read the studies? Aren't you afraid of what it's doing to their little brain? Yes, we know that babies are really difficult, and that sometimes you just need a moment of quiet or calm. But when we look at your baby maneuvering a tablet with more dexterity than we have, just know that we see an apocalyptic future full of cyborg, selfish, unfeeling monsters who are likely to start a nuclear war because they think they're in a video game.

9. The App For That

We know there's an app for that. Maybe we'll even try it eventually. But when we do, we probably won't use it as often as we should, or get how it's meant to "organize our lives." All it makes us feel is more out of control, like we have even more little boxes on a screen to worry about. What happened to paper planners and crossing things off of real lists?!

10. People Who Stand In Line For The Latest Phone

Where you excluded from the cool kids lunch table in elementary school? Are you worried that no one will want to bang you unless you have the latest smartwatch? Are they paying you? You must be planted to perpetuate this cycle of constant unnecessary upgrades. [Etc etc paranoid thoughts, end of the world…]

11. How Technology Has Managed To Get Us Laid

Seriously, we know we downloaded the app and made the profile, but every time we think about it, it seems like a goddamn miracle that the thing we so resent is resulting in us getting some. It goes against all our prejudices, because it's an example of technology aiding (gasp!) real-world connections.

12. How This All Happened So Quickly

Seriously, how did this all happen so quickly? I didn't have a personal computer before college, and that was only nine years ago! My brain hadn't yet been rotted by Netflix binging or Facebook, or any of the things I now use obsessively and detest.

That we all went from flip phones to having computers in our pockets in the span of less than a decade still amazes and frightens us. We were not early adopters. How other people are more excited than freaked out about the direction things are heading in we don't understand.

13. How We Can Hate Technology So Much & Still Be So Dependent On It

Yes, we're deeply tech-resistant and resentful, but we also use it, every day. We need Google maps desperately, and no matter how many times we ask a real person for directions out of principle, that's not going to change. We need technology for our jobs, to keep in touch with loved ones, and yes, to entertain ourselves. We feel dirty about it, like we're in a serious relationship with someone we know is bad for us — but we can't help going back for more. Just like our fellow addicts.

Images: Pexels; Giphy