Perhaps you’ve heard: a little movie called Star Wars: The Force Awakens is currently in theaters. It’s kind of a big deal, being a continuation of a beloved sci-fi/fantasy series that still rakes in cash and fans in equal measure. In the build-up to the film, it occurred to Star Wars geeks everywhere that due to the internet and wildfire spread of information in the year 2015, remaining unsullied for The Force Awakens would be a challenge. It was on every spoiler-phobic fan to design a plan to protect themselves against coming across major Force Awakens spoilers anywhere outside of an IMAX movie screen. Apps like Tumblr Savior and Force Block got a workout. Some fans even logged off of social media completely when the review embargo lifted.
Still, while I’m spoiler-sensitive like Luke Skywalker is Force-sensitive, not everyone is. Do you have that friend who skips to the end of the book to find out what happens or seeks out spoilers for their favorite TV shows? Maybe you are that friend. I may not completely understand people who don’t like going in blind on something like a new Star Wars film, I do respect one’s right to spoil oneself. Hate surprises? Can’t make it to the movie theater just now? If you’re dying to know what happens in The Force Awakens , these are the bombshell spoilers you’re looking for.
1. Luke Is Missing, But Alive
Yes, Luke was left off the movie's poster. No, he's not dead or evil. Luke has gone into hiding, and the good guys and bad guys are both looking for him. Does he want to be found?
2. Poe & Finn Escape Starkiller Base Together & Poe "Dies" But Not For Long
Finn = former Stormtrooper with a conscience. Poe Dameron = General Leia Organa's most trusted pilot. Poe is captured by a The First Order platoon led by masked bad guy Kylo Ren and brought to their base to be tortured for information. Finn breaks him out because he needs a pilot to facilitate his getaway from his oppressive life. They become fast friends, but the TIE Fighter they're flying crashes onto the surface of Jakku. Finn thinks Poe dead and takes his jacket, which is slightly awkward when the pilot turns back up again, alive and well.
3. Han & Leia Aren't Together, Love Is Dead
Finn and Jakku scavenger Rey escape another First Order raid in a "garbage" ship that's awfully familiar to the "garbage" ship favored by everyone's favorite space smuggler. Han and Chewbacca are back to their old life when the unlikely partners meet them. What about the great 'ship Han and Leia? Well. It hit some rough waters.
4. Kylo Ren Is Han & Leia's Son & Kind Of A Black Sheep
Primary baddie Kylo Ren is (gasp) the product of Han and Leia's union. When he crossed over to the Dark Side, the heartbreak was too much for his parents to bear together. And that's extra ammunition to hate his guts.
5. Ren Trained With Luke, But Worships His Grandfather
Sulky millennials, right? Kylo Ren's failings as a Jedi trainee also sent Luke off to the outer reaches of the Galaxy to meditate on his guilt, or something like that.
6. The Force Is Hella Strong With Rey
Abandoned by her mystery parents (is she a Skywalker?), Rey scrapes through life by scavenging parts in ship wrecks. She crosses paths with Poe's droid BB-8, who'd tasked with getting the map with Luke Skywalker's location to the Resistance leadership. Her accidental involvement in the budding war leads her to discover her intuitive control of The Force. She can do more than Luke could before his training began in earnest, setting her up to be a very powerful Jedi indeed.
7. Han Tries To Reason With Kylo Ren & Kylo Ren Kills Him
Ben Solo doesn't have the guts to cross over on his own. He's plagued by a pull toward the Light. He sees and takes his cowardly way out when his father comes to make one last appeal to his humanity. He runs Han through with his lightsaber and tosses him into a void. I have no tears left.
8. Starkiller Base Is 17 Times Bigger & Way More Murder-y Than The Death Star
Destroying one planet at a time is so 38 years ago.
9. Snoke Might Be A Giant
Kylo Ren takes his orders from Supreme Leader Snoke, who only appears as a hologram. Is he really a giant, or does he just adjust his projection that way because he likes to feel tall? Find out next time on "Everyone's Really Touchy On The Dark Side."
10. The Resistance Destroys Starkiller Base
It's a huge win for the Resistance, and it's X-Wing dreamboat Poe who makes the kill shot.
11. Rey Follows The Completed Map To Luke, Who's Rocking His Best Obi-Wan Coif
On the fritz for most of the movie, R2-D2 whirs to life at the end of the film to provide the final piece to the map. It's somehow understood that Rey inherits the Millennium Falcon, and she heads off with Chewie to find Luke. They meet on the top of a mountain on a deserted planet to share an intense, silent stare. Roll. Credits.
I still recommend seeing these events go down in glorious 3D, but these spoilers can scratch your Star Wars itch for now.
Join us for the first episode of The Chat Room, where we discuss what it's like to be a woman with an opinion on the internet and, of course, Star Wars:
Images: Walt Disney Studios; Giphy (11)
