So, the amazing thing happened that we were all crossing our fingers for, and now you need to know how to get tickets to Adele's 2016 U. S. tour in support of her new album, 25. There are, of course, all the normal avenues, like signing online on Dec. 17, the day the tickets are due to be released, politely waiting your turn in the queue (her British-ness has apparently already rubbed off on me), and then gently clicking the "Purchase Tickets" button, which comes up on your first try, no refreshing necessary. But that doesn't sound like my life, does it sound like yours? In mine, things rarely go so smoothly, and the moment I heard that Adele had announced her North American tour dates, my stomach dropped. Not because I'm not thrilled to pieces at the idea of seeing her live, because I am, but because my immediate thought was, "This is not for me."
Of course I want a ticket, but so does every other person on this planet, so I'm never going to get one. I should just give up now and save myself the heartbreak. BUT NO. That defeatist is not who I am anymore! And, if there's anything I've learned from Adele's albums, it's that we must never save ourselves from heartbreak. So, in that spirit, here are eight surefire ways to get a ticket to Adele's 2016 tour. May the odds be ever in your favor.
1. Take The Day Off Work
I mean think about it. You'll either need the time to focus completely on getting tickets, or mourn the fact that you didn't get tickets. Regardless, you can't be expected to work at a time like this.
2. Pay 10 Of Your Friends To Refresh The Ticket Page Until It Goes Through
Just make sure you pick your bro-iest, most disinterested friends, so they don't snag the tickets for themselves at the last minute. Mutiny!
3. Sell Your Soul
I don't actually know what the used-soul market is lately, because the last time I tried to shop mine around was to find out what went down in that
4. Coffee
Normally, I'm very against performance-enhancing drugs, but you have to do something to beef up those index fingers. Without caffeine, you'll never be able to refresh quickly enough to stay competitive. Don't forget; this is your Olympics.
5. Bribe Siri
I don't know how computers work, but presumably they can all talk to each other and make sweet deals, so get in good with the one closest to hand, Siri. Just offer her something you know she wants, like you never asking what the weather's like again instead of just opening a window. She should be amenable to making things happen for you.
6. Teach Your Cat How To Use The iPad
This may backfire later, when Professor Fluffsworth drains your bank account by Seamless-ing catnip, but, in the short term, it's worth it.
7. Change Every Single Clock In The City Where You Live So People Don't Know When It's Time For Tickets To Go On Sale
If Santa can visit every home on Earth in one night, you can manage this. IT'S FOR ADELE.
Sure, some of these are tough to manage, but we're talking about Adele tickets on the line, so make. it. happen. I believe in you.
Images: Giphy (8)
