The 10 Most Unattractive Qualities In A Partner

When you go on a first date, you’ll likely be on the lookout for someone’s most attractive qualities, so much so that you could completely miss their unattractive traits unless they’re total red flags. This has nothing to do with how they look or dress but everything to do with how they act and treat you.

There’s also a good chance they’ll be on their best behavior with nary a negative quality in sight. “As a matchmaker and dating coach, I teach singles that the real person doesn't emerge until about three months in,” says Susan Trombetti, a dating expert and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking. “That's why relationships make it or break after about three months.”

This is when you might notice that your partner is a horrible listener or that they aren’t very giving or compassionate — and it all has the potential to give you the ick. Since everyone will have a different idea of what counts as “unattractive,” Trombetti recommends assessing whether or not these unsavory traits are something you can live with or something your partner can change, especially since many could make it tough to stay together long-term.

“Anytime you see a red flag, you have to determine if it’s ingrained in their personality or just a bad habit, and if they’re willing to change or not,” she says. “These little personality issues and traits can lead to a break up depending how bad it is.” Keep reading below for some of the top unattractive qualities that can be found in a partner, according to experts, as well as how they might impact your relationship.

The Most Unattractive Qualities In A Partner

1. Poor Communication

A person with bad communication skills might be easy to spot from the jump, but many times it’s something you’ll pick up on slowly over time. “On a date, if they are on their phone or not otherwise engaged in listening to you, that’s a bit of a red flag,” says Trombetti. It shows they aren’t engaged or listening.

Later on in a relationship, there might be cyclical arguments, trouble with conflict resolution, or feeling as if you aren’t heard or validated. “In a relationship, [poor communication is] hard to deal with,” she says, though it may be something they can work on. “Bad communicators can learn skills to be a better communicator,” she adds, but it’ll take a concerted effort.

2. Negativity

While it’s OK for someone to have an off day where they grumble and gripe, nothing’s worse than hanging out with a partner who always sees the glass as half-empty.

“Negative people are tough to be around,” says Trombetti. “Nothing seems to excite them or make them happy, and they find the dark clouds in everything.” They also tend to ruin special occasions, like birthdays and weddings, by making it all about them.

To grow a relationship with someone like this can be tricky, too, as they rarely talk about the future with any sense of excitement. There’s a chance they can improve — a negative person might just need a new job or a change of scenery to feel better, Trombetti says — but it’s something to consider if you’re looking for a positive, supportive partnership.

3. Lack Of Kindness

Kindness comes in many forms, like giving a hug when it’s really needed or coming home with flowers just because. If someone isn’t kind, it can really take a toll. Not only will it impact others —imagine going on a date with someone mean to the server, yuck — but it can also come back to affect you. “No one wants to be someone who is just plain nasty,” says Trombetti.

4. Selfishness

On a first date, this might reveal itself as someone who only talks about themselves or never asks any questions. Later on, you might notice that they take forever to text back, that they always put their needs first, or that they “forget” to help around the house.

It’s a trait that might have you feeling like you’re single, even while in a relationship. “A selfish person can learn to be less selfish, but it’s ingrained for the most part,” says Trombetti. “Overall, red flags are generally a red flag for a reason.”

5. Sarcasm

According to Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, many people view sarcasm as unattractive because it’s a sign someone is having a hard time opening up about how they feel.

Sarcasm can get old quick because it drags you down, and it can also make it tough to argue effectively. “Many people are longing to get really close to someone and to have deep and meaningful conversations together, so someone who always flees to sarcasm when it gets tough is a warning sign for most,” she tells Bustle.

While many people view sarcasm as a form of humor, it can also be thinly veiled rudeness that’s just waiting to come out.

6. One-Upping

According to Roos, it can be unattractive when a partner tries to win or one-up you — or anyone else, for that matter. “We all have met them: the people who try to make themselves look better by pushing others down,” she says. “That’s because it tells you they have very low self-esteem, and to be able to love someone else, you need to love yourself first.”

7. Lying

Nobody likes a liar, especially in a relationship where you’re supposed to be able to trust each other no matter what. According to Trombetti, some people lie about money, who they hang out with, or they lie by exaggerating their successes. All of it will erode your connection, so it’s best to run far away from this type of behavior.

8. Jealousy

While some people live for a rush of dramatic jealousy in a relationship, others find it incredibly unattractive. “Jealousy [...] can feel confining because it becomes controlling,” says Trombetti. “It’s hard to be yourself if this green-eyed monster constantly emerges. It could be jealousy over your career, your finances, or every single person who walks by. This is just too much. I say ditch the person over it.”

9. Flakiness

Whether a date leaves you hanging at a bar or a partner is constantly running late or cancels at the last second, it’s not tough to see why it would be a major turn-off. Not only does flakiness show a lack of maturity, but it also sends the message that you aren’t their top priority — and that never feels nice. As Trombetti says, it might just mean your partner is unorganized, but if they aren’t as committed as you like, it’s a red flag that often spells the end of a relationship.

10. Lack Of Ambition

A lack of ambition can be problematic, Trombetti says. You might spot it on a first date if they can’t answer your questions about their job or goals, and it can become more obvious over time. How much it bothers you depends on what you want.

If you’re OK with a partner who isn’t a go-getter, that’s fine. But for others, this trait is the opposite of hot. How could someone not have goals? Or dreams? Or a vision for their future? If you’re someone who has a five-year plan locked in, you’ll likely want a partner who has one, too.

Sources:

Susan Trombetti, CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking

Sofie Roos, licensed sexologist, relationship therapist