Bathroom Floor Tears On 'The Bachelor'

During Monday night's episode of The Bachelor, Juan Pablo took one contestant sledding, another contestant running, and a bunch of contestants to a photo shoot with dogs. I'm not much of a sledder or a runner, so the dog date was clearly the best situation. As if adorable dogs weren't enough, Monday's ep gave us Victoria saying some season highlight reel-worthy stuff right before she absolutely lost her cool. When Victoria was screaming on the bathroom floor? You bet your ass I was in my element.

A LOT happened this week, so let's get to it, shall we?

DATE With Clare:

Juan Pablo blindfolded Clare and put her in a car. As Clare was being led into the car, Elise gushed about the blindfolding. She said it was cute and thought it showed how great Juan Pablo is at being a human or whatever. Calm down, Elise. The car took Clare and Juan Pablo to a fake winter wonderland. They went ice skating and sledding in the faux snow. Clare was FEELING IT. The two of them talked in the hot tub (because OF COURSE there was a hot tub in the faux snow), and then they canoodled.

During a confessional, Clare said, "I've been waiting to feel like this for so long. It literally stirs it up inside of me." I hope this isn't the last time we hear about Clare's BMs.

Their hot tub canoodling was cut short when Josh Krajcik from The X Factor began singing. Juan Pablo and Clare watched Krajcik perform. Clare was really happy with the date. Well, DUH. You got a rose AND a canoodle sesh, CLARE.

DATE With Kat:

Juan Pablo's next date was with Kat. He and Kat boarded a private jet, he changed into a light up tracksuit in the jet bathroom, and then he handed her a bunch of fluorescent-colored clothing. Their destination: the Electric Run in Salt Lake City.

They got off of a plane. They went running. And then they danced. Everything was glow-in-the-dark. It reminded me of the Neon Gang from Batman Forever. All of it was very overwhelming. Kat was not overwhelmed. Kat seemed to have a great time. A neon-dipped rose for you, Kat!

GROUP DATE:

Alli, Andi, Cassandra, Chantel, Chelsie, Christy, Elise, Kelly, Lauren, Lucy, Nikki, Renee, and Victoria were all selected for the group date. That means Amy, Danielle, and Sharleen were left out. The group date was a photo shoot. A photo shoot with dogs who need homes. AHHHHH! ADORABLE. Most of the contestants were given costumes. Not Elise and Andi. Elise and Andi were told they'd be wearing just a sign. OH, JEEZ. Elise asked Lucy if she'd switch costumes. Lucy loves being naked, so Elise didn't have to twist her arm. The photos were neat because DOGS.

The Best Impression of a Tornado — Victoria:

Victoria got schnockered. When the other contestants were like, "Chill, drunky," Victoria said, "I'm not drunk. I'm fun sober." Sober Victoria also said, "I'd straddle [Juan Pablo] every day because that's what life is about. Straddling people."

I'm not done with the Sober Victoria quotes: "Juan Pablo is my boyfriend" and "Today, I gave him the hymen maneuver." SHE'S SO GOOD.

Sober Victoria drunkenly, er, soberly creeped on Juan Pablo's one-on-one time with Nikki. Juan Pablo and Nikki saw her and Juan Pablo actually said, "Poor Victoria." He did not stop his one-on-one time, though. She then ran into the bathroom and cried. While on the bathroom floor, she screamed, "I HOPE HE DIES!"

Sober Victoria was upset that she hadn't had one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. She tried to quit the show, but the show crew prevented her from leaving. She ran back into the bathroom stall. Her safe haven. Juan Pablo checked on her, but she wouldn't come out of the stall. Juan Pablo told the other contestants that he felt bad for Sober Victoria, and they all nodded in agreement. The other contestants were really impressed with the way Juan Pablo handled the Sober Victoria situation. You know, because he didn't do something like throw TP at her while she was hiding in the bathroom. The show put Sober Victoria in a hotel room for the night.

The next day, Juan Pablo visited Sober Victoria in her hotel room. She was like, "Being on the show is hard!" and he was like, "Yeah I know, but I have a kid and you're a disaster. LATER." And with that, my beloved Sober Victoria was cut from the show.

Stray Notes:

• Lucy went sans bikini top in the jacuzzi. SHE'S SUCH A FREE SPIRIT.
• Kelly received a rose for being a good sport during the photo shoot. Okay.
• Cassandra revealed she has a son. She felt guilty about being on the show, but Renee (the other mom in the cast) took her aside and told her that she'd regret leaving. Aw, Renee. You seem nice. Juan Pablo relieved Renee from "comforting Cassandra duty." Juan Pablo and Cassandra didn't canoodle, but he did do what he could to make her feel better using only words.
• Sharleen's one-on-one convo strategy: apologize. Sharleen told Juan Pablo that her seemingly reluctant reaction to the First Impressions Rose was only because she was so shocked he gave it to her. She said she was sorry. Sharleen is so dang likable.
• When Juan Pablo announced that the last rose would go to Christy, my ears perked up. I forgot that there was a contestant named "Christy," and thought he was talking to me through the TV.

Who Went Home?:

Amy L. and her lame fake interview were sent packing. Chantel was eliminated, too.

Images: ABC/Todd Wawrychuk