Contrary to what Hollywood would like us to believe, sex can be gross. Between farting sounds from either bodies smacking together then pulling apart, to actual full-blown accidental farts, sex just gets messy sometimes. I don’t know why Hollywood refuses to acknowledge that.
Everyone has a least a couple gross sex stories. For example, a former partner and I were having sex when he proceeded to get a killer nosebleed just as he was about to climax. Because he was on the verge of having an orgasm, he didn’t stop immediately when the nosebleed started. Instead, he took those last few seconds to finish, while I, someone who has a REALLY hard time with the sight of blood, tried to dodge the blood that was literally pouring from his nose all over my face and chest. It was horrifying. It was a bloodbath. And tragically it wasn’t the most disgusting or most embarrassing sex thing to happen to me in bed. Believe or not, some things I’ll be taking to the grave with me.
Because gross things happening during sex aren’t unheard of, I asked Bustle readers what some of the grossest of the gross things have happened to them in bed. From farts (of course) to something called “butt jelly,” they didn’t hold back. Since that’s the case I recommend not reading this one during lunch.
1. Jessica, 28
"The first time I had sex after I had a baby (so, I was still breastfeeding) my partner got a literal mouthful of breastmilk. He kept truckin' like a goddamn champ though."
2. Colleen, 31
"When I was married to my first husband I was giving him a blow job and he bucked his hips, hit my gag reflex, and I vomited all over his dick."
3. Cate, 24
"We were having a grand old time until he decided to f*ck me in the ass, and actually even that was going super well until we decided to change positions and he pulled out CARRYING WITH HIM QUITE A BIT OF TRAPPED ENEMA WATER AND BUTT JELLY. It got on me. It got on him. It got on the bed. It was definitely all over his dick.
The thing is, we were in the middle of a power exchange situation. And he decided that the thing to do would be to tell me to clean his dick off with my mouth. I could've used my safe word. I did not use my safe word and instead I decided I'd use my safe word if I tried it and couldn't handle it. I sucked that motherf*cker clean AND THEN HE KISSED ME."
4. Ashley, 29
"It was a one-night stand. He went down on me, I was a little drunk, and I just let one rip in his face. It was mortifying. But he didn't even stop, so I'm hoping it didn't hear it? Nah... he totally heard it and smelled it for sure."
5. Gaby, 33
"Once a dude was going down on me, and he apparently swallowed one of my pubic hairs. He started choking on it so hard, it seemed like he was on the verge of vomiting."
6. Dani, 27
"I was dating a guy who was really into anal play, so I stuck my finger in his butt. And I touched poop. I was using my middle finger, because it’s the longest, and the tip of my finger touched rock hard poop. I shrieked and pulled my finger out, embarrassing us both. I must have washed that finger 500 times in the following 24 hours.”
7. Hannah, 23
"A former boyfriend once accidentally jizzed in my eye. We had to go somewhere ASAP so I stopped giving him a blow job and, well, the rest is unfortunate history. "
8. Helen, 28
"During a doggy style session, after Mexican food for dinner, I once crapped all over my husband when I came."
9. Jennie, 33
“My period was ending and my boyfriend and I were doing it doggy style. When he pulled out to change positions, a huge glob of blood dropped out of my legs and on to the bed. He immediately started gagging and ran to the bathroom. It was so big and menacing looking. Like an unfriendly jello mold."
10. Becky, 30
"One night after a company Christmas party, [my boyfriend} was heading toward blackout drunk and we stumbled to our hotel room, and his fingers went straight for my asshole and started digging around. I immediately decided I wasn't gonna be into this and was trying to disentangle myself from him when he pulled his finger out, brought out a tiny glob of POO... and proceeded to put the glob of poo on the tip of his dick. And dared to act as though he wanted me to SUCK IT OFF."
11. Mary, 35
“I met up with a guy that I had been seeing/hooking up with on and off for a month or so. I’d been drinking (obviously) and we met up near my place for a quick bite and some more drinks. I scarfed down a plate of fish and chips (hurray for grease), and we headed back to my place. While giving him a blow job, he made a sudden thrust of his hips. I instantly and unexpectedly puked all over his crotch (as one does). I swear to god, I saw a whole French fry (aka freedom fry) resting in his pubes.
The grossest thing (to me) is that he didn't seem that grossed out by it. Maybe it was shock. He just said, “Did you puke on me?" in a casual way that made me think it had happened before. Anyway, that was the last time I hooked up with that guy.”
12. Meg, 30
“My boyfriend and I were trying anal. After we’d been at it for awhile, he pulled his dick out and realized there was some sh*t on it. It completely turned his stomach and he instantly puked all over the back of my head. So, we sat in bed, completely stunned ― sh*t all over his dick and puke stuck to the back of my head.”
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our video on sex positions for small penises:
Images: Andrew Zaeh/Bustle
