The Creepiest Lyrics About Santa

The Christmas season is upon us, and you know what that means: There are chestnuts roasting on an open fire, climate change nipping at your nose, and Mariah Carey's Christmas album is getting heavy play in your mother's minivan. It is also the season for mildly inappropriate and creepy songs about Santa Claus to be piped through the speakers at your local shopping center.

Why, you may ask, am I attempting to remove the poinsettia-colored glasses tinting the holiday season? Because Andy Williams is a liar — Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year and I will not subscribe to this charade any longer!

Don't get me wrong: I like Christmas. But when the holiday radio stations start in November and I have to participate in seven different Secret Santa gift exchanges, I'm over it. Like a retail worker on Christmas Eve, I'm just done.

Real Christmas is all about awkward family meals, people fighting over Starbucks' red holiday cups, and finding the perfect balance between drinking enough alcohol so your co-workers seem interesting and not puking on Janice from accounting (sorry, Janice).

So, my war on the PR charade that is holiday cheer begins with look at the creepiest songs about Santa. WAKE UP, PEOPLE.

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause" By The Jackson 5

Society wants you to believe this is a cute, wink wink, the kid doesn't know Santa is his dad, spin the story. But we are all adults now, we understand that marriages are extremely complicated and complex. We can handle the truth. Mommy wasn't kissing Santa Clause or the narrator's dad. Mommy was macking with a dude she met on Ashley Madison. #Truthbomb.

Creepiest Lyric: "Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus / Underneath his beard so snowy white." And what, I ask you, is below a man's "beard"? That's right: his no-no square.

"Don't Shoot Me Santa" By The Killers

The song is all about a serial killer who, instead of being put on the naughty list (like we were taught would happen as school children), is murdered by jolly ol' Saint Nick. This song is totes perfect to listen next holiday season with Meemaw and Aunt Sally.

Creepiest Lyric: "Well the party's over kid/ Because I/ Because I got a bullet in my gun." Add a gun wielding Santa to the list of things I fear.

"Santa Clause Is Coming To Town" By Every Artist That Ever Existed

You've heard this song before. But have you really listened to it?

Creepiest Lyric: "He sees you when you're sleeping/ He knows when you're awake/ He knows if you've been bad or good/ So be good for goodness sake." Has Santa been looking at my Google search history?

"Santa Baby" By Eartha Kitt

The success of this song proves that it is socially acceptable to hyper-sexualize Santa — something I'm not totally cool with.

Creepiest Lyric: "Think of all the fun I've missed/ Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed/ Next year I could be just as good/ If you'll check off my Christmas list." - Excusez-moi — did Santa just slutshame Eartha Kitt? Shame on you, Santa Claus.

"Even Santa Claus Gets The Blues" By Marty Stuart

This song is creepy because it's sad. Do I really want to think about the fact that Santa suffers from seasonal affective disorder? No, no I do not.

Creepiest Lyric: "But Christmas time is comin', there's just so much to do/ Even Santa Claus gets the blues." Dude, I feel ya. The Christmas season is rough.

"Santa Stole My Lady" By Fitz And The Tantrums

Apparently, Santa is quite the ladies man. This song really gives new meaning to phrase sugar (cookie) daddy. See what I did there?

Creepiest Lyric: "He took my girl and made me cry." For this song, the lyrics aren't creepy. It's what the lyrics are saying about Santa that is creepy. Santa is a creep who will steal your girlfriend and make you cry. What a jerk-face.

"Santa Tell Me" By Ariana Grande

Another song about a girl asking Santa for a boyfriend. That's not how boyfriends work. If that was true, I would already be dating Harry Styles.

Creepiest Lyric: "Santa, tell me if you're really there/ Don't make me fall in love again if he won't be here next year." Santa is basically a Christmas cupid who will make you make-out with strangers at an ugly sweater party. Get out of my life, Santa!

"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" By Elmo And Patsy

Apparently, Ol' Saint Nick is guilty of vehicular manslaughter.

Creepiest Lyric: "She had hoof prints on her forehead/ And incriminating Claus marks on her back." Injuries on her front and back? CSI has taught me that this is more than just a simple hit and run. Tell us what really happened, Santa!

"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" By Gene Autry

Santa was totally uninterested in Rudolph until he needed Rudolph's help. It would appear that Santa is a user and abuser of reindeer — there, I said it.

Creepiest Lyric: "They never let poor Rudolph/ Join in any reindeer games." So Santa just allowed the systematic bullying of Rudolph because he was different? That's messed up.

"Frosty The Snowman" By Gene Autry

This song is not technically about Santa, but it is about a mythical Christmas character who spends way too much time with schoolchildren.

Creepiest Lyric: "Thumpety thump thump/ Thumpety thump thump." I've lived in an apartment with too-thin of walls for too long to confuse this sound for anything else.

I miss the naiveté of Christmases past when I loved the holidays and Santa was just a jolly old man who bought me way too many Barbies. Now, I just really wish Santa would hurry down my chimney and start paying my Netflix subscription.