I've said it before and I'll say it again — it's near impossible to pick a favorite character on The West Wing. Just when you think it's definitely C.J. Cregg with her feminist quotes, you're reminded of your eternal love affair with Charlie Young, and then immediately feel guilty for almost forgetting about the wonder that is Mrs. Landingham. It's the best kind of problem to have with a TV show, and I only have it because every single character is so incisive and well-written and lovable, and OH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED TOBY: Toby Ziegler, ladies and gentlemen, the prickly White House Communications Director and general owner of my heart. In fact, after C.J. Cregg, Toby Ziegler quotes are my favorite things to insert into every conversation.
Toby was played on the series by Richard Schiff, who holds the honor of being my favorite actor on the show. Or, well, not favorite, I guess, because Allison Janney exists, but he's the most talented one, I'd say. (Ugh, you see what the brilliance of this show does to me? I can't take it!) But, regardless of who my favorite character turns out to be, Toby always sneaks up into the top with his utter dislike for everyone around him and boundless love for a secret few.
Share my affection for this sweet baby porcupine by seeing if you can finish these 18 quotes of his from the show. If you do really well, I can promise you a gruff head nod from the man himself (even though he doesn't really exist, but just go with it).
1. "I'm going to make a suggestion which might help you out, but I don't want this gesture to be mistaken for an indication that ______."
A. "I like you"B. "we're friends"C. "I'm coming to your baby's christening"D. "I ever want to see you again"
2. Sam Seaborn: "About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute."Toby Ziegler: "I don't understand. ______?"
A. "What did you think you were doing?"B. "Were you sleepwalking?"C. "Did you trip over something?"D. "How do you unintentionally pay for sex?"
3. "Of course I wrote a concession. You want to tempt the wrath of ______?"
A. "the Almighty Lord of voting day miracles"B. "the great pundit in the sky"C. "the man who lives in the moon and grants wishes to balding speechwriters"D. "the whatever from high atop the thing"
4. "I'm told that on my sunniest days I'm ______. I wonder what's gonna happen when you make my children a part of your life."
A. "no barrel of laughs"B. "far from cupcakes and rainbows"C. "the natural enemy of delight"D. "not that fun to be around"
5. "Listen, when you get home tonight you're going to be confronted by the instinct to ______. Trust that instinct. Manage the pain. Don't try to be a hero."
A. "draw a bath and listen to Kenny G"B. "drink alone"C. "cancel your cable subscription and unplug your phone"D. "throw in the towel"
6. C.J. Cregg: "This time of year, is the water in the Potomac very, very cold?"Toby Ziegler: "Yeah, but if you rub ______ all over yourself, it'll insulate."
A. "the American flag"B. "a balm of your own self-righteousness"C. "chicken fat"D. "spermicidal jelly"
7. Sam Seaborn: "How do you feel there, big guy?"Toby Ziegler: "______."
A. "Like I just got screwed with my pants on"B. "Like I wanna punch you in the teeth"C. "Like someone just pissed on my back and told me it's raining"D. "Like a real Toby Ziegler"
8. Tawny Cryer, Appropriations Committee: "Here's a woman who gets naked, covers herself completely in chocolate, and sings. Does that appeal to you?"Toby Ziegler: "______"
A. "No thank you, I've already had lunch."B. "Y'know I've always fancied myself more of a vanilla person?"C. "She's here now? I hope not in my office, she'll make a terrible mess."D. "By and large, I'm not wild about musicals."
9. "To our credit, sir, we knew it was raining ______."
A. "by the time the weather report was over"B. "shortly after the first drops began to fall"C. "once it started to rain"D. "because we have ESPN or something"
10. Woman in Bar: "You've been [a political operative] your whole life?"Toby Ziegler: "Well, there was a while there I was ______."
A. "more concerned about getting tall enough for the Tilt-A-Whirl"B. "in elementary school"C. "focused on my rap career"D. "big into stamp-collecting"
11. "Josh Lyman: You're listening to me, but you're not understanding me."Toby Ziegler: "No, I'm disagreeing with you. That doesn't mean I'm not listening to you or understanding what you're saying — ______."
A. "I'm multitasking"B. "it just means I'm smarter than you"C. "I'm doing all three at the same time"D. "and for my next trick, I'm walking away"
12. President Bartlet: "So, what do you know now that you didn't know before?"Toby Ziegler: "______."
A. "Babies come with hats"B. "Storks are birds"C. "Twins means two"D. "Respectfully, sir? Nothing"
13. "At a time when the public is rightly concerned about the impact of sex and violence on TV, this administration is gonna protect the MUPPETS! We're gonna protect Wall Street Week, we're gonna protect Live from Lincoln Center, and by God, we are going to protect ______."
A. "Lawrence Welk"B. "Julia Child"C. "Bob Ross"D. "Zoboomafoo"
14. "Can I assume from your ______ that you're all with me?"
A. "complete lack of any vocal support"B. "empty eyes and open mouths"C. "food-stained shirts and your idiot expressions"D. "total silence and blank faces"
15. "In a triumph of the middling, a nod to mediocrity, and with gorge rising, it gives me great ______ to announce Robert Russell — Bingo Bob, himself — as your new Vice President."
A. "nausea"B. "pleasure"C. "revulsion"D. "shame"
16. "I've been to 441 baseball games at ______. There's not a single person there who's ordinary."
A. "Wrigley Field"B. "Fenway Park"C. "Yankee Stadium"D. "Dodger Stadium"
17. Toby Ziegler: "He calls you and me the ______ of speech-writing."Sam Seaborn: "Well, I don't think he does."Toby Ziegler: "He doesn't, but he should, 'cause that's what we are."
A. "Batman and Robin"B. "Tom and Jerry"C. "Sam and Diane"D. "Mary Kate and Ashley"
18. C.J. Cregg: "Okay, but I've got to be careful about saying 'man'." Toby Ziegler: "Why, 'cause - ? Oh, c'mon!"C.J. Cregg: "You'd be surprised. I get letters."Toby Ziegler: "Fine, 'human being', then, or ______?"
A. "would you prefer 'sheeple'"B. "do the other animals complain"C. "will we be hearing from the tigers"D. "should I just put a gun in my mouth"
HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THIS TEDDY BEAR? Ugh, I'm obsessed.
ANSWER KEY:
1. (A)"I'm going to make a suggestion which might help you out, but I don't want this gesture to be mistaken for an indication that I like you."
2. (C)Sam Seaborn: "About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute."Toby Ziegler: "I don't understand. Did you trip over something?"
3. (D)"Of course I wrote a concession. You want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing?"
4. (D)"I'm told that on my sunniest days I'm not that fun to be around. I wonder what's gonna happen when you make my children a part of your life."
5. (B)"Listen, when you get home tonight you're going to be confronted by the instinct to drink alone. Trust that instinct. Manage the pain. Don't try to be a hero."
6. (C)C.J. Cregg: "This time of year, is the water in the Potomac very, very cold?"Toby Ziegler: "Yeah, but if you rub chicken fat all over yourself, it'll insulate."
7. (A)Sam Seaborn: "How do you feel there, big guy?"Toby Ziegler: "Like I just got screwed with my pants on."
8. (D)Tawny Cryer, Appropriations Committee: "Here's a woman who gets naked, covers herself completely in chocolate, and sings. Does that appeal to you?"Toby Ziegler: "By and large, I'm not wild about musicals."
9. (C)"To our credit, sir, we knew it was raining once it started to rain."
10. (B)Woman in Bar: "You've been [a political operative] your whole life?"Toby Ziegler: "Well, there was a while there I was in elementary school."
11. (C)Josh Lyman: "You're listening to me, but you're not understanding me."Toby Ziegler: "No, I'm disagreeing with you. That doesn't mean I'm not listening to you or understanding what you're saying - I'm doing all three at the same time."
12. (A)President Bartlet: "So, what do you know now that you didn't know before?"Toby Ziegler: "Babies come with hats."
13. (B)"At a time when the public is rightly concerned about the impact of sex and violence on TV, this administration is gonna protect the MUPPETS! We're gonna protect Wall Street Week, we're gonna protect Live from Lincoln Center, and by God, we are going to protect Julia Child."
14. (D)"Can I assume from your total silence and blank faces that you're all with me?"
15. (A)"In a triumph of the middling, a nod to mediocrity, and with gorge rising, it gives me great nausea to announce Robert Russell - Bingo Bob, himself - as your new Vice President."
16. (C)"I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not a single person there who's ordinary."
17. (A)Toby Ziegler: "He calls you and me the Batman and Robin of speech-writing."Sam Seaborn: "Well, I don't think he does."Toby Ziegler: "He doesn't, but he should, 'cause that's what we are."
18. (B)C.J. Cregg: "Okay, but I've got to be careful about saying 'man'." Toby Ziegler: "Why, 'cause - ? Oh, c'mon!"C.J. Cregg: "You'd be surprised. I get letters."Toby Ziegler: "Fine, 'human being', then, or do the other mammals complain?"
