7 Alternative Alphabet Cream Titles

Oh marketing, my marketing. Your ploys are so transparent, and yet we flock to them like lemmings to other lemmings. Our bathroom cabinets have suffered the indignities of BBs (Beauty Balm), then CCs (Color Correcting), then DDs (Dermatologically Defining? Really?), but as we all know, the alphabet doesn't stop there — and neither, apparently, do cosmetic companies.

Yes, my friends, the world's first EE beauty product is available, and it stands for — drumroll, please — Extra Exfoliating. Bo-o-oring! No "Ethereal Enticement"? No "Elongating Emulsion"? Hurt and highly disappointed, I decided to tackled the next seven letters of the alphabet, demanding of myself what I demand of my beauty marketing: wacked-out excellence. Future cosmetics marketers of the world, I'll take a 20 percent cut.

The "FF" Perfume: Fiercely Fragranced. Regular perfumes aren't intense enough for you? This over-saturated scent will be the first thing to enter any room and the last, by a long shot, to leave.

The "GG" Cream: Gently Geriatric. If regular anti-aging creams are too harsh on your papery skin, you'll want something soothing, sensitive, and willing to chip in for the nursing home bill every now and then.

The "HH" Anti-Cellulite Scrub: Horrifyingly Hollowed. Before "heroin chic," there was "leper colony lovely," and our HH scrubs are bringing LCL back. This dangerously effective exfoliator not only eliminates any sign of human imperfection, it actually eats away at your body. No skin, no cellulite, no problem!

The "II" Facial Mist: Intimidating Idealism. If the lyrics to Simple Plan's "Perfect" always have you crying into your pillow, this glittering mist illuminates the perfectionist within, creating a flawless, robot-like mask that you can hide all your feelings behind… forever.

The "JJ" Serum: Joyfully Jaundiced. Here's a serum for those mornings when you wake up hoping beyond hope that your cheeks will finally be suffused with the yellowed flush caused by high levels of bilirubin in the blood. If you're not actively suffering from hyperbilirubinemia, Joyfully Jaundiced will give you that yellowish non-glow in no time at all.

The "KK" Face Wash: Kareful Kleansing. It's ironic, get it? There's nothing careful about this cleanser's proofreaders, but use it religiously and your face will never mistake a hyphen for an em-dash, use a colon when only a semicolon will do, or miss a double letter in "Mississippi."

The "LL" Supplement: Liquid Light. Forget about the "inner glow" that comes from yoga or meditation or taking peyote on a mountaintop. Liquid Light, the world's first-ever facial cream that's meant to be taken orally, promises to literally illuminate you from within. Just stay far away from any electric sockets.

Looking for MM-ZZ? Unfortunately, I can't give away all my trade secrets. But here's a hint — I do have a very special Quixotic Quenching moisturizer in the works, a cream that promises lofty, foolish, and completely impractical hydration.

Image: Target