Being America's Sweetheart is a heavy burden, as well as a title we pass out very sparingly to our favorite actresses. We love Sandra Bullock because she's so damn talented and nice, we love Jennifer Lawrence for her wacky and confident sense of humor, and we love Julia Roberts because oh my god, that smile and that laugh. But that's only three actresses that we are willing to deem "America's Sweethearts," in a legion of equally likable, equally gorgeous hard-working actresses. There's a reason these three have risen above the rest, though: Something in them feels familiar to us. Because despite their being stunningly perfect-looking and crazy talented, we feel like we could have known them. Sure, Lawrence is a 2014 Golden Globe nominee, the star of a franchise, and has already won an Oscar, but she feels like someone you could've met at college, or at the gym, or more likely at the local taco stand.
But since we'll have to admit to ourselves that these women are not and probably never will be our real-life friends, we can only imagine how amazing it would be if they were all friends. What would these legends talk about, were they to meet up at some star-studded, spectacular event? Is it even possible that they'd bitch about having wear Spanx under their dresses and motherhood, just like (gasp!) normal people? Who even knows! Since all three are up for Golden Globes, and Roberts and Lawrence are going neck-and-neck in the Best Supporting Actress category, something tells me the likelihood of these lovely ladies meeting up is far from impossible, maybe even likely. And since I won't be there to eavesdrop on their conversation like a creepy fly on the wall, the next best thing to do is imagine how it would go down:
*Jennifer Lawrence walks up to the bar and orders a double vodka on the rocks, only noticing after placing her order that Julia Roberts is already there, with a martini in hand*
Jennifer: Oh my god, hi, Julia Roberts, ahhhhh, I didn't even see you there. Was so focused on getting my drank on, haha.
Julia: Oh, hi, Jennifer, it's nice to meet you. I just wanted to say—
Jennifer: I know, it's lame to order the same drinks as characters you've played in movies but I'm so nervous, I might actually go all Tiffany from Silver Linings Playbook on you or something.
Julia: Right, but I should let you know, when I said you were "too cool" in that interview... I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I wanted to say sorry. I was just chatting away without even thinking and I don't know—
Jennifer: Nooooo, it's cool. You're not super familiar with my work, that's okay. I'm sure you're, uh, a very busy lady.
*Both down the rest of their drinks*
Julia: Can I get you another one?
Jennifer: Yes please. Although stop me after this one — falling once getting an award is one thing, but I feel like two times makes it just sad or something.
*Julia makes a weird beeping sound and Jennifer looks at her but doesn't say anything*
Julia: Yeah, probably.
Jennifer: Also, have you seen that guy coming around with the pigs in a blanket? I'm pretty sure I've eaten pretty much everything he's brought out, but oh my god, they are so good.
*Sandra Bullock walks up and orders a ginger ale*
Sandra: Are you talking about the pigs in a blanket? I've eaten like 15 of those. Once you're in the dress, all bets are off right?
*Jennifer and Julia nod vigorously in agreement*
Sandra: Anyway, congrats ladies, on being nominated and everything. I hadn't eaten in about three weeks to get into this damn dress, so I'm just relieved to be getting at those hors d'oeuvres, award or no!
Julia: Yeah, well, I'll be honest with you guys. Since I've just been authorized, I'm not actually a lady. I'm a computer-operated automaton. The real Julia Roberts has been sitting at home organizing playdates since her kids were born. Jokes on you, clowns.
*Lifts corner of face to reveal an I-Robot-esque metallic core structure underneath, then does her signature laugh*
Jennifer: Well, um, no wonder you didn't know anything about the Hunger Games then, I guess? Another drink over here please!
Sandra: Yeah actually, same for me too. I'll have straight gin please, a triple.
Jennifer: Well... uh... anyway. Sandra, how's your son?
Sandra: He's good! Louis is really good... wait no, I have to ask, Juliabot, do you act in all the movies then too? Where is the line between Julia Roberts-bot and real Julia Roberts?
Julia: Well, I do all the acting, so it was me that got to beat down Meryl Streep in August: Osage Country, and I do the public appearances since a robot figure will always land me on E!'s best-dressed list, and if I'm being honest, I'll sometimes sub in and have sex with Danny Moder if Julia doesn't feel in the mood. It's whatever she wants.
Jennifer: That is... terrifying.
Julia: Yup!
Jennifer: Is it even fair then for you to win an award? You're not even a person!
Julia: I'll have you know that I've also been instructed to take you out via rocket launcher on the off-chance you win for Best Supporting Actress. Julia is the jealous type, so watch it. Another drink anyone?
*Jennifer and Sandra back away slowly*
Jennifer: Nooooo, I think we're good. Nice to meet you though!
Sandra: Bye!
