10 Things No One Tells You About One-Night Stands

Sometimes, a steamy one-night stand is exactly what you’re in the mood for. No strings, no commitments, no awkward convos over dinner — just you, a partner, and a good time. It sounds great on paper, but one-night stands are often misunderstood.

The classic stereotype goes something like this: You meet a stranger at a bar, get drunk, go home together, and never talk again, says Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, a therapist based in Los Angeles. They’re also often associated with tough breakups, feelings of sadness, or a desperate need for validation. But the truth is, there’s so much more to know about this type of casual hookup.

“People have one-night stands for all kinds of reasons — curiosity, loneliness, confidence, connection, or just wanting to feel good in their body,” she tells Bustle. “It’s not always random, and it’s not always meaningless.”

Even still, one-night stands do get a bad rap. According to Taylor Orlandoni, LMHC, LPC, a licensed mental health counselor and licensed professional counselor at New York University, these encounters have long been painted as shallow or shameful, particularly for women. And that’s why it’s so important to talk about them.

Here are 10 things no one ever tells you about one-night stands, according to relationship experts.

1. One-Night Stands Don’t Have To Be Meaningless

One-night stands might be casual, but for a lot of people, that doesn’t mean they’re meaningless. “A one-night stand can be liberating,” says Orlandoni. “It can be playful. For some, it's a return to their body after a breakup. For others, it's the freedom to explore our relationship to sex, desire, and even love.”

It might also feel novel and exciting when you’re bored, and in some cases, it can even affirm your identity, as might be the case if you hook up with someone outside your usual preferences. “We often think of these encounters as superficial, but they can be deeply revealing,” she says.

Understanding what draws you to a one-night stand can help give it meaning, so if you’re looking for some, dig deep. “There is always a story beneath the desire,” she adds. Check in to see if you’re lonely, if you’re trying something new, or if you’re hoping to learn something about yourself and see what it reveals.

Of course, it’s also OK if the hookup is 100% meaningless. Sometimes, you’re just there for a wild ride.

2. It’s A Chance To Express Your Preferences

While it might not seem like it would be easy to talk to a random partner about your sexual preferences, one-night stands often set the stage for some pretty deep chats. Before you do the deed, you may find yourselves opening up about what you like, what you don’t like, and your boundaries — possibly even as part of your foreplay.

In some ways, one-night stands are the perfect time to practice setting boundaries and sharing this type of info. “A one-night stand is essentially an intimacy loophole,” says Alyson Curtis, LMHC, a therapist and founder of Attuned Therapy in New York City. “The parameters around a one-night stand being that it’s ‘just one night’ and ‘not meant to develop into anything more’ can paradoxically lead people to open up more deeply and authentically.” And just like that, you’re sharing you’re deepest fantasies.

3. It’s More Fun When It’s Safe

Another reason one-night stands are thrilling? Because there’s some risk involved. You might not know who you’re hooking up with or where the Uber is taking you, but Susan Trombetti, a matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, says that’s no excuse not to stay safe.

Just because you’re doing something slightly naughty doesn’t mean you need to be completely reckless. Instead, follow a few ground rules. “Make sure you are attracted to the person and feel safe with them,” she tells Bustle. Let your friends know where you’re going — and always trust your gut. If something seems odd or you feel uncomfortable, it’s always OK to leave.

It’s also smart to come prepared. “Protect your body by bringing your own condoms,” says Groskopf. “Check in about protection before anything starts. Don’t assume the other person has it covered or that it’s ‘fine just this once.’”

4. You Might “Catch Feelings”

“After sex, your brain releases chemicals that are designed to help you feel connected and safe,” says Groskopf, and that means your body might feel a pull toward your partner after the fact. Even though you might have an intense urge to call your partner or start a relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re catching feelings in the romantic sense, she says.

This is a good thing to keep in mind if you’re still thinking about the hookup days later. If you aren’t looking for a relationship, remind yourself that it’s just your hormones flowing — and not necessarily a sign that you’re falling in love.

5. It Might Lead To More

That said, some one-night stands do lead to something more. Maybe your connection is so amazing you agree to hook up again or you end up lying awake late into the night bonding over books, life, and music and eventually decided to date. Even if you try really hard to keep things casual, it isn’t always possible.

“Sometimes people have a one-night stand and end up dating,” says Groskopf, but she’s quick to warn against getting your hopes up. If the hookup was meant to be casual from the start, it will hurt if you don’t get a text back or if you never see each other again. Before you give it a try, “be honest with yourself about what you’re hoping for,” she says.

6. There Are No Rules

If you think a one-night stand has to be over and done with as quickly as possible, think again.

“There are no rules — just choices,” says Groskopf. “It’s OK to cuddle. It’s OK to leave. It’s even OK to stay for pancakes. There’s no script you’re supposed to follow. The most important thing is that you’re doing what feels right to you — not what you think you’re ‘supposed’ to do.”

As long as you and your partner are both on the same page, you can take the night wherever your hearts desire.

7. It Might Be Underwhelming

It’s easy to paint a sexy, steamy picture in your mind as you head into a new hookup. You might imagine hours of passionate sex with a hot stranger followed by intense morning sex, but don’t be surprised if it’s all a little bit... boring.

“Not every one-night stand is hot or cinematic,” says Groskopf. “Sometimes it’s weird, rushed, or the chemistry just isn’t there.” While some couples hit it off with a bang, you might find that it leaves something to be desired.

8. Not All One Night Stands Are Strangers

According to Trombetti, many people think one-night stands only happen with randos at the bar, but it’s common to have one-off hookups with friends, neighbors, and coworkers. It can be something that happens on the spur of the moment, like after a fun conversation at a party, or something you’ve planned, like a friends-with-benefits situation. There is no one-size-fits-all definition to describe how it’ll play out.

9. A Lot Of People Have One Night Stands

According to Trombetti, more peopl have had a one-night stand in their lifetime than you might think. According to a 2022 study by Match.com, 8% of those interviewed said they’d had one, though the number is thought to be even higher than that. If you were to do your study by asking friends, they’d likely say they’ve had one, too.

That said, one-night stands may be going out of style. A 2023 survey by The Times found that Gen Z isn’t having as many one-time hookups as millennials did at the same age. Only 23% of 18- to 27-year-olds said their friends commonly had sex on a one-night stand, which is quite low compared to the 78% of millennials who said yes to that question 20 years ago.

10. They Aren’t For Everyone

While many people love a one-night stand, Curtis says this type of hookup isn’t right for everyone, and that’s OK. You might not enjoy being intimate with a stranger. You might worry about your safety, and rightfully so. You might also get to someone’s house and realize you’d much rather be at home with a good book. All of these are legitimate reasons not to seek them out.

If a one-night stand isn’t for you, don’t feel pressured to give it a try, and if you’re thinking about having one, remember you can always back out. “It’s important to trust yourself to navigate the evening in an attuned way and end the night early if you realize it’s not working for you,” says Curtis. “Rehearse your exit strategy beforehand and have a friend who knows your whereabouts waiting up to make sure that you’re [safe].”

Sources:

Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, therapist

Taylor Orlandoni, LMHC, LPC, licensed mental health counselor, licensed professional counselor

Alyson Curtis, LMHC, therapist, founder of Attuned Therapy

Susan Trombetti, matchmaker, CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking