I am an unabashed, devoted, longtime fan of emojis. I also like bitmojis. Basically if there's a way to send sentiment via text, I am down. I also like to send a sext or two on occasion. The two are not mutually exclusive, and I've always found sexting with emojis to be quite fun. Now that we have more than 150 new emojis, my life is complete. Let me tell you what: My emojis sex game is on point. I don't know if this was their intention, but just about all 150 of them could be construed as sexual. I mean, come on: Banana. Hockey stick. Taco. Burrito. And that's ... just the tip.
Thanks the new update, emoji sexting can reach new heights. In a relative state of ecstasy, I texted friends wildly when the update first completed on my phone: "This is the best day of my life," I told them, adding unicorns and nerd smiley faces with abandon. They wrote back, "Your emojis are coming through as rectangles." If this is happening to you, go to the software update portion of your phone, stat.
But if you're as keen as I am to get this sexting party started, look no further. Honestly, I am convinced that the latest 150 emojis are exclusively for sexting. Here's, a definitive guide to sexting with the new emojis.
1. Cock
The crown jewel of the new emojis: There is an actual cock. In the Emojipedia, this rooster is "known also as a cockerel or cock." Definition of cockerel, according to New Oxford American: "a young domestic cock." Come on. Just stop.
2. Banana
Purists turn their noses up at the can-be-comical banana, preferring to stick with the classier eggplant — or for the truly rarified, the aubergine. But eff that noise. We have a banana now. There's no going back.
3. Wind-Blowing Face
Blow job. Or blow me. Basically just implication of oral sex in general.
4. Unicorn
A great way to indicate horniness or a bisexual woman in a threesome. Also arguably the best emoji of them all.
5. Thunderclap With Rain
With or without raindrops, the thunderclap-as-orgasm is undeniable. With rain for the men (or the ladies who are adept at this skill).
6. Thunderclap Without Rain
Without rain: Just your garden variety orgasm. "Thanks for the sext sesh. Till next time. Signing off."
7. Raincloud
A variation on the above, without any explosive/mind-bending quality. Nothing too shabby — just a good, old-fashioned, quiet orgasm.
8. Champagne Bottle
Just came.
9. Comet
Just came.
10. Bow + Arrow
Just came.
11. Small Aircraft
Just came.
12. Plane Taking Off
Just came.
13. Plane Landing
Just came. As in, you just brought it in for a landing. (So the planes work coming and going.)
14. Satellite
Just came.
15. Tornado
"So turned on."
16. Motorboat
...motorboat.
17. Prayer Beads
Sorry if this is sacrilegious, but there are prayer beads. Generally I steer clear of the religious emojis when looking to get my sext on, but these are too good to ignore. If you're in the mood for something a bit kinkier, throw these into the mix during your next "Tell me your fantasies" conversation (held via text, natch).
18. Filmstrip
"Please send dick pic/tit pic/clit pic."
19. Movie Projector
Sex tape, or some iteration thereof.
20. Desktop Computer
Skype sex?
21. Badminton Racquet + Shuttlecock
They actually gave us two cocks with the new emojis. Thanks, Unicode! You guys are keeping it tight. Could also double as some paddle action for an S&M-minded lass.
22. Table Tennis Paddle + Ball
An alternate paddle, this one more literal.
23. Candle
Same realm: "Pour some hot wax on me."
24. Chains
Damn.
25. Compression
Things are getting kinky, Apple.
26. Taco
Well, the taco has been the source of much ado. About nothing, really, at least nothing to do with actual tacos. Everyone knows the taco is finally here just to give the ladies a fallback to the peach. Like the great banana/aubergine controversy of 2015, people will take sides. Let it be known: I'm on the side of the peach. But this is an OK standby, I suppose. It's just kind of gross.
27. Burrito
See taco. For some reason, some outlets are equating this with a penis, but I just don't see it. If anything, this is yet another auxiliary to the peach. And I feel the same way about this as I do about the taco, for what it's worth.
28. Hole
Another crass substitute for the peach.
29. Lion
...or, as I like to see it, p*ssy. This one I can get down with.
30. Hot Dog
Now I'm just going to devolve into alternatives to the mighty aubergine/banana/cock. Bear with me.
31. Ice Hockey Stick
Penis.
32. Field Hockey Stick
Penis.
33. Cricket Bat
Penis.
34. Chili Pepper
Penis.
35. Joystick
Penis.
36. Dagger
Penis. (See also: daggering.)
37. Crossed Swords
Crossing swords. (Well, that one was easy.)
38. Hammer + Pick
Crossing swords.
39. Hammer + Wrench
Crossing swords.
40. Gear
Cock ring.
41. Middle Finger
"F-ck me." Or just another variation on the already fertile emoji hand signal options we already had.
42. Rock On Fingers
More options.
43. Vulcan Salute Fingers
And still more.
44. Open Hand
One more.
45. Sleuth
Perfect for signaling to your boo that you're down to try out some role-playing. "Wear your most Sherlock-y trench coat."
46. Bed
Do me in bed.
47. Couch
Do me on the couch.
48. Person In Bed
In bed waiting for you.
49. Thermometer
It's getting hot in herre.
50. Level Slider
Kicking things up to the next level.
51. Crab
For a sext of a more unfortunate variety.
52. Money Face
Money shot. Also just a more turnt-up variation on the classic licking smiley face — though not half as cute.
53. Hugging Face
"I want to touch your breasts." Or: "Please touch my breasts."
54. Slightly Smiling Face
To register light agreeability in relation to a sexy suggestion your partner makes, but not appear too enthusiastic. Into it — but not that into it.
Really, the possibilities are endless.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our video on sex positions to make him last
Images: vadymvdrobot/Fotolia; Emojipedia (54)
