Every Halloween, it's the same thing: I psych myself up, thinking that this is the year I finally find a horror movie that scares me a little but not too much, perfectly getting me in the spirit of the holiday... and then end up watching one of the scariest movies on Netflix, terrified out of my mind. Because here's the thing — and this is real talk, so don't judge me — I don't have a very high tolerance for suspense, or fear, or basically any situation where something might jump out that I don't know about. I just get so sucked into movies that, within five minutes or so, I'm convinced that my own life is in danger, and I have to turn the movie off so my little hummingbird heart doesn't explode in my chest.
But, again, this is because I always go too far to the other end of the spectrum when it comes to scaring myself. There are ways to confront your fears without also ruining your entire Halloweekend, and ensuring that you can never sleep alone ever again or turn off a light without immediately peeing your pants in terror. Which are adult skills I'd really like to find my way back to.
So with that in mind, here are eight horror movies on Netflix that you should definitely avoid this year. You've been warned!
1. The Babadook
Don't let the fact that this movie has a funny name and a cast full of Australian accents fool you into thinking you'll be able to handle it. You won't. It's about a monster called the Babadook that doesn't exist until you become aware of it, and then it lives in the dark places of your house — or, in this case, the house of the young mother and her son at the center of the story, whom it torments mercilessly. Even the trailer is a little much for me.
2. Human Centipede
I'm hoping you've heard of this one, and I don't have to tell you that it involves three people being sewn together from ass to mouth to ass to mouth... look what you made me do. Your life will never be the same again.
3. Oculus
This little number, starring Karen Gillan and Brenton Thwaites, is about a woman who's trying to clear her brother of murder charges by proving that a supernatural element committed the crimes he's accused of. You know who might not like that? The supernatural element. Ugh.
4. Saw
The whole series is on Netflix, so, unless you relish the idea of contemplating your own will to live through psychological and physical torture and wondering what you'd do in the same impossible, terrifying situations these people were placed in, steer clear.
5. Would You Rather
A sadistic aristocrat invites a group of people over for a friendly game of "Would You Rather?" Except it's not friendly, it's deadly, and I should have known the moment I said "sadistic aristocrat." Also, never going over to anyone's apartment ever again.
6. The Bay
This one, about an ecological disaster in a small town triggered by a flesh-eating parasite getting into the water supply, falls into the category of "too real" because it could 100 percent happen in real life and I think about it every single day. Just kidding, I'm fine, ha ha, don't watch this movie, I'm never drinking water again.
7. Funny Games
When we're talking about two guys who break into a cabin to take the family inside hostage and torture them... this somehow does not fit my definition of either "funny" or "games." Good luck ever feeling safe on a family vacation ever again if you choose to watch this one.
8. The House Of The Devil
You know that thing where you get hired for a babysitting job, but the clients don't actually have a kid? RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Or, y'know, just don't watch this movie if you value your sanity.
All right you guys, I've done all I can. If you choose to watch any of these movies, I can't be responsible for the consequences. Now, if you need me, I'll be watching Hocus Pocus on loop.
Image: Causeway Films
