Let Your Birthday Decide Your Halloween Costume

There are two kinds of people in the world: The ones who plan their Halloween costumes for months, meticulously putting together their sexy cat costumes with realistic whiskers and hand-sewn tails; and the ones that don't think about it until Oct. 15, when they suddenly start Googling, "What should I be for Halloween?" Then they also dress up as sexy cats. The point is, we all end up as sexy cats eventually.

But if you're thinking it's time to retire the catsuit, there are plenty of other options out there. Why, you can be a sexy Cecil the Lion, or sexy anorexia, or my personal favorite, a sexy carrot. It's as easy as taking a random object in your line of vision and sticking "sexy" in front of it. Here, I can do it right now: Sexy Clock. Oh look, it exists! And it's pretty awesome looking, if we're being honest.

(Also, please don't actually be sexy Cecil the Lion or sexy anorexia. Offensive costumes are a no-no.)

If you just can't spare the mental energy to make your own costume decisions, though, amazingly-named Twitter user @SadFaceOtter has created a chart to help you decide, using just your birthday. It's easy: Match up your birthday month and day to the corresponding options on the chart, and voila! You now know what you're going to be for Halloween this year.

The chart was created in response to The Poke's call for #ModernHalloweenOutfits, aka an excuse for everyone to make fun of the plethora of ridiculous sexy costumes each year. In case you're wondering, I'm honored to say that I should be a sexy radiator. I'm not yet sure how I'm going to accomplish this, but I will find a way. It's meant to be. Other possible results include sexy Donald Trump, sultry farmer, and seductive hamster — all of which have pre-made costumes ready and waiting for your purchase, of course. This is America we're talking about.

I would also be remiss if I didn't note the myriad opportunities for someone to get "sexy sexy" as a result. #Bless.

This isn't to say that anyone shouldn't dress sexily for Halloween, of course. If you want to be a sexy lamp, be a sexy lamp! My roommate and I switch off our slutty Iron Man costume each year for Halloween, and I've never felt more powerful than when I'm wearing an arc reactor, red tights, gold booty shorts, and very little else. Sexy costumes can be fun to put together and wear, and the slut-shaming centered around Halloween is indicative of the larger problem society has with women who dare to show some, or a lot of, skin. We're told that sexy costumes are hallmarks of trashy attention-seekers, but my decision to wear revealing outfits has no bearing on my worth as a human being.

On the other hand... I kinda wish I'd never seen that sexy Donald Trump costume. It's going to haunt my nightmares.

Image: Giphy