This is What It's Like to Be a Capricorn

If you weren't born between December 22nd and January 19th, you can't quite know the pain that comes from being a Capricorn. "What pain?" you (who is probably an Aries or an Aquarius or another sign that gets a "spontaneous" or "sexy" horoscope every now and again) ask.

Well, I'm a Capricorn, and I'm here to tell you about the pain that comes from always reading the horoscope for a sign that is "all about hard work." Capricorn horoscopes are brutal. They are boring. They are chock-full of phrases like "work ethic" and "try" and "office" and "small victories." At Burning Man (where I was asked what my sign was approximately 30 times a day for seven days) people nodded sadly when they heard about my horoscope problem, murmuring comforting things and patting my body-painted shoulder with pity as if to say "It's okay, you'll get through this, you just can't help being a little boring and repressed." If we were to base our social lives on horoscopes no one would ever want to go drinking with Capricorns, because it would be the most dull evening in history.

Well, I'm here to change that. I am here to say that I am a Capricorn, and I'm proud of it. Are we dull? Sometimes. Are we obsessed with details? It's been said. But are we successful? Yes. We have work ethics and we know how to use 'em. We are loyal. We are responsible. We persevere. We make excellent friends, and would make even more excellent golden retrievers.

Further, we have excellent company in the celebrity sphere. Famous Caps include:

Zayn Malik and Louise Tomlinson of One Direction,

LeBron James,

Elvis Presley (and, I'm sure, a fair number of Elvis impersonators),

Liam Hemsworth,

Betty White,

and Kate Middleton (you know, a real life princess).

So no, we do not have any stereotypically sexy qualities associated with our astrological sign. But you know what? Take another look at the celeb photos above. I'd say our kind is doing OK.