The saying is old and can put half the female population into a sulk: "Blondes have more fun." Although that's just a catchy string of words, like "the bees knees" or "that was the cat's pajamas," there are certain annoying things that brunettes understand that prove that — sometimes — blondes really do have more fun.
The thing is, there are certain struggles that are involved with being a brunette. While blondes often look like they belong sipping champagne out of soda cans on a beach and red heads give off a fiery, kissed-by-the-sun vibe, their dark-haired counterparts have to work a little harder not to blend in with the shadows. There's probably a reason Beyoncé went blonde, y'all. She was over the struggle.
Not only do we have a habit of disappearing in plain sight, but we also have a slew of other trials we need to put up with. For example: The pastel hair trend? Good luck. That's a lesson in disappointment if you ever need one. Or wearing dry shampoo? Only if you're OK looking like your style inspo that Wednesday was Cruella de Vil. So many woes, so little time.
Below are nine struggles only brunettes will understand, so you can feel our pain.
1. You Have To Work For That Bombshell Status
Blondes seem to wake up all disheveled and bed head-y and look like Marilyn Monroe after a long night with a handsome man. When a brunette wakes up with the same situation going on, she looks like she was just rescued from an underground cult chamber. Clearly, we have two different vibes going on here.
2. The Dark Roots Predicament
When we lighten our locks, we have about four days to pretend that the hair on top of our heads is au naturale. After that, we don't have a right to the haughty, female stare when someone asks if our hair color comes out of a bottle. The obscene roots already tell them all they need to know.
At least dark roots with blonde hair have somehow (mercifully) been dubbed bohemian and beach-y, but the rest of the colors? Nightmare. Have you ever seen dark roots with red hair? The look gives off this chic, my-life-is-in-shambles vibe.
3. Dry Shampoo Makes You Look Like Thomas Jefferson
Oh, your bangs are looking a little questionable? Well, one careful spritz of dry shampoo aimed at it and — poof! — you are now one of our founding fathers. That powdered wig look is something you're pulling off really well, I’m serious. Also, thanks for the liberty. You did us a solid.
4. Braids Don't Show Up
You don't even bother trying anymore. You've been burned too many times. How many times have you tried intricate, Girl Level: 10 braids at your bathroom mirror only to step back — with cramping upper arms and patience running thin — to see your work incognito in your dark hair. You can see something going on there, but you can't really be sure. You just see lumps and shapes.
Welp, that was an afternoon well spent.
5. On Bad Days, It Turns Dishwater Brown
Some days the hair is just a little lackluster, and on days like those it turns a gorgeous shade of dishwater brown. You should see what wonders it does to your appearance! Your skin turns sallow, the bags under your eyes are highlighted, and you get this whole beige, blending-into-the-background effect. It's wonderful.
6. Greasy Hair Is Impossible To Hide
You're on Day 3 and should wash your hair, but time is not on your side this morning and you have to skip the shower. For blondes and red heads, not the end of the world. For us? We might as well grab a fine tooth comb and slick it all back, because today, we are The Fonz.
7. Dyeing Your Hair Requires Being OK With Disappointment
Are you trying to go from dark hair to blonde? Or even more ambitious: Red? That's cool, but I'm assuming they explained the rules to you? Just in case, let's go over them again right now: You'll likely be terribly disappointed after the first appointment, and you’ll be out a lot of money. However, you’ll have to smile through the brassy, aggressively harsh highlights as your hairdresser blow dries your locks and quickly — apologetically — explains you’ll be at that shade you want come three more sessions. Get that rent money ready, kid.
8. The Upper Lip Hair Situation
Have you lost count of wax day and haven't really noticed the upper lip sitch when putting on your face that morning? No worries, you'll notice later in the day — probably when you're washing your hands during happy hour or when you pop into the bathroom at work. You'll casually glance in the mirror and see a middle-aged, smoking-on-the-stoop Bronx landlady staring back at you, with a full upper five o'clock shadow. Try getting on with your day normally after that one.
9. You Look Like Wednesday Addams When Pale
Redheads look delicate and rosy when the middle of winter strikes, and blondes get a porcelain effect. But brunettes? We look like we have an uncle who's a walking fur ball and lives in a Gothic mansion. One that will welcome you in by snapping his fingers to a catchy beat.
So, Netflix at my house or yours tonight?
Images: Marlen Komar
