7 Misconceptions About Real Sex

I didn’t exactly enjoy losing my virginity. I spent the majority of the time laying there thinking, “Oh my God. What should I be doing? I should be doing something with my hands right? Like, I shouldn’t just be laying here. How do girls in porn do it?!” Turns out, I didn’t need to think that much about it because next thing I knew, it was over. In all honesty, I didn’t expect my first sexual experience to be mind-blowingly porn-like. Unfortunately, with the way society places a big taboo on sex, what “real sex” in the real world means gets lost in the fold of mainstream money shots. There's a big difference between porn and real sex, and that’s why Cindy Gallop turned her decades-long advertising career into a more personal project aimed at revolutionizing the way we view sex.

“I began realizing through dating younger men that I was encountering an issue that would quite honestly never have crossed my mind if I had not encountered it so very intimately in person,” Gallop tells Bustle. “I realize I was encountering what happened when two things converge: when today’s total freedom of access to hardcore porn online meets our society’s equally total reluctance to talk open and honestly about sex. That results in porn becoming by default the sex education today and not in a good way.”

Because of this, Gallop created MakeLoveNotPorn, a website that was initially created to discuss the differences between sex in the real world versus the sex commonly seen in mainstream porn. But her little website quickly turned into a success after her 2009 TED Talk, “Make love, not porn,” went viral. Because of that, Gallop felt like she had a responsibility to enlighten and open up the discussion on how easy access to mainstream porn greatly impacts our sex lives. But instead of talking and writing about the differences between real world sex versus porn sex, she decided to show people. Gallop launched MakeLoveNotPorn.tv. a user-generated platform which allows regular average Joes like you and me to submit #realworldsex videos.

Also check out: Make Love Not Porn: Technology's Hardcore Impact on Human Behavior, $2.99, Amazon

“The reason why amateur is the biggest category of porn is because of a fundamental truth that we’re leveraging. Everyone wants to know what everyone is really doing in bed,” Gallop says.

We talked to Gallop on our latest episode of I Want It That Way, where she told us all about MakeLoveNotPorn and real world sex:

“MakeLoveNot Porn is not anti-porn because the issue is not porn,” Gallop says. “The issue is this total absence in our society of an open honest healthy conversation around sex in the real world, which if it were had, people would then bring a real world mind set when they view what is essentially artificial entertainment.”

Because people have a tendency of blurring the lines between what they think sex should be like and what it really is like, here are seven ways real sex is totally different from mainstream porn.

1. Real Sex Is Reassuring

For a majority of people, getting naked in front of somebody else means allowing yourself to be totally vulnerable. Getting naked in front of somebody else becomes even more nerve-racking.

“Porn is masturbation material,” Gallop says. “But we [at Make Love Not Porn] are so many more things. Real world sex videos are reassuring. We celebrate real world everything – bodies, flab, hair, penis size… Real world sex is reassuring because the same sh*t happens to all of us. We just don’t know because we don’t talk about it.”

2. Real Sex Showcases Feelings

Whether you detach yourself from your partner after sex or not, is your own deal. But during the act, there’s no denying that there are a range of feelings going on between partners. After all, you’re having sex with a human being, not a robot. So feeling of love, emotion, and intimacy are all there.

According to Gallop, many viewers comment on the intimacy showcased in the videos saying, “I want what you guys have.”

3. Real Sex Means Sex On Your Period

Women get periods and women have sex. Yet, period sex is still a pretty taboo subject to talk about. Do people really do that? Yes, they do. Just because you don’t typically see it happen in porn, doesn’t mean that it isn’t happening in real life.

“Bring it on. It’s real world. It’s wonderful,” Gallop says.

4. Real Sex Means Personal Choices

Mainstream porn perpetuates the idea that all women love it when guys ejaculate all over their faces, or their boobs, or their stomachs, or wherever. Apparently, it’s supposed to be “super hot” or something—or so I’ve been told on multiple occasions by multiple dudes.

But as Gallop says, “It’s entirely a matter of personal choice … One of the nuances that people don’t think about is that what you may never want to do with one person, you may not be able to get enough of from somebody else. It is absolutely not about the act itself—it’s about the relationship, your feelings, and how open you are at that point in your life.”

5. Real Sex Shows That Not All Women Love Pounding, Hard, Jack-Hammering Penetration

And if you do? Great! If you don’t, that’s great, as well. While mainstream porn likes us to believe women want it “harder” and “faster,” Gallop says, the two words she uses the most in bed are, “slowly and gently.”

Gallop even offers up this little catch phrase: “Don’t touch me down there until I’m begging you to touch me down there.”

Try it. It may work wonders.

6. Real Sex Means Creating Your Own Language

At MakeLoveNotPorn, they have created their own language to use when it comes to typical “sex” speak. According to Gallop, whoever made up the term, “finger blasting” clearly does not have a vagina. They use the term, “downtown” in place of “oral,” and anal is referred to as, “Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey now…”

Gallop wants people to take their language and use it in order to open up the discussion of sex between partners. “I encourage everyone to use words you’re comfortable using. Use sounds you’re comfortable using…Communicate. It’s all the more fun for both.”

According to Gallop, “Great sex is born of great communication.”

7. Real Sex Is Not Solely Catered Toward Men's Pleasure

In mainstream porn, the video ends when either A) the man comes or B) both partners come simultaneously by some miraculous intervention by the sex gods. Orgasms also become this loud, noisy, obvious thing. In reality, that’s not always true. Sometimes, people orgasm quietly. More often than not, men and women finish at different times using different positions. With MakeLoveNotPorn, Gallop and her team are not only using the platform to depict real world sex, but to show that yes, ladies, your orgasm is just as important.

“Porn out there is not because men want it. It’s what they’re given,” Gallop says. “The future of porn is what I make it. I don’t wait for things to change … I refuse to live in a world with all the issues we’ve talked about. When you have a truly world changing start up, you need to change the world to fit it. Not the other way around.”

Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our video on sex positions for small penises below:

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