These Big Butt Comments Need To Go Now

Bubble butt, badonkadonk, big bootied girl: When it comes to the gluteus maximus, big-bummed folks are spoiled for choice of slang terms. I'm willing to bet this is partially thanks to music and celebrity culture's current glorification of having a big butt (aka the big booty trend). While big booty appreciation certainly ain't always a bad thing, there are some tired, badly thought-out statements which will have many large posteriored ladies rolling their eyes in despair.

For those who felt slightly ostracized by the small, toned rumps of models coveted in lads mags and mainstream media during the late '90s and early '00s, it can feel depressingly self-validating to sport a body that in some way fits society's ideals at long last. Personally, my love for my booty sometimes makes me feel slightly defeatist, blindly anti-feminist, and pathetically trend-led. However, it's nice to be able to walk into a denim store and find jeans built to box my badonkadonk, to see celebrities in the public eye with more relatable body types, and to view alternative notions of attractiveness than the ultra-slender ideals of yesteryear.

Of course, my butt isn't a designer dress, or an en-vogue statement clutch. It's simply the biologically-granted layers of subcutaneous fat that I use to cushion my tailbone whilst I sit back and laugh at the most all-out ridiculous big-butt-based assumptions. Without further adieu, here are just seven things most ladies with lovely lard asses would rather never hear grace their eardrums.

1. "How did that happen?"

Ah, the ever-awkward, assumedly rhetorical question that any primate would be proud of. It's often uttered by ape-brained ex-school acquaintances, 3 a.m. club lurkers, or that creepy old next door neighbor you haven't seen for 10 years. All of them assume the anatomy of your rump is suddenly free game for discussion. Puberty, mate. That's what happened.

2. "Your butt was born to twerk."

I hate to break it to you, but being blessed with big butt pockets doesn't automatically grant me the twinkle toes of Miley Cyrus. Twerking is a well-practiced skill, like clay pigeon shooting or cross-stitch. Frankly, I can think of far better ways of spending my nights out (like downing far too many tequilas during a particularly raucous game of "Never Have I Ever" and requesting the entirety of Hanson's back catalogue).

3. "You should wear more booty shorts/yoga pants/pencil skirts."

Not only is it my choice and my choice only as to when and whether I show off what my mama gave me, but if you've ever tried running for the bus in a pencil skirt or sitting on a hot bench in booty shorts, you'll know that they're pretty damn impractical. I'm not a dress-up doll: I'm a living, breathing human being, so I'll be exercising my right to be slovenly, late, and disorganized in comfortable clothing whenever I see fit.

4. When wearing said booty shorts/yoga pants/pencil skirt: "If you don't want people to comment, maybe you shouldn't put the goods on show."

Whoa there, Sonny Jim. My buttocks aren't a pint of milk or a selection of second hand DVDs, so less with the "goods." In a progressive, 21st century, supposedly egalitarian society, I should be free to clothe my body in whichever way makes me feel comfortable and confident.

5. "Maybe you should lose some weight so your body is more proportionate."

This is a classic example of how the body shaming of the mainstream beauty and lifestyle industries succeeds in brainwashing society into fully-fledged members of the amateur body police. It leads us to believe that our bodies are anatomical Play-Doh that we must mould into the shape society finds most aesthetically pleasing. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, however, and I like my ass. Suck it, status quo.

6. "I love a girl with some junk in the trunk."

And I love a guy who values me for more than just the two pockets of fat at the top of my legs. Someone who can offer intelligent conversation, witty repartee, and original compliments that aren't simply recycled hip-hop lyrics. Guess I'm wasting my time, huh?

7. "Can I touch it?"

In the words of Ron Burgundy, that escalated quickly. Do I know you? Have I ever shown any remote interest in romantically or sexually getting to know you? If the answer is yes, thank you for asking for consent. But c'mon man, surely you can think of a way of approaching the subject that isn't quite so socially awkward. If I don't know you, I'm afraid this isn't even remotely an appropriate way to break the ice with strangers, and I predict you will achieve a very low success rate.

At the end of the day, it's great that having a "big" anything (other than boobs) is finally being celebrated in mainstream media. Just because it's getting more "in" to have a larger bum, though, doesn't mean being an ass about it has to be "in" as well.

Images: Raffy Parker