Ah, menstruation. You beautiful, life-yielding, anxiety-producing, son-of-a-mother-pain-inducing bastard. I was one of those people who was told in high school (by a doctor) that she should stay home on the first day of her period. This sounded crazy, at least to me, so I ignored the advice. And guess who had the last laugh when I literally FAINTED during a chorus concert because of cramps? (Well, of course the doctor was not actually laughing, but I can't say he was pleased when I reported that I'd fainted due to severe cramps and lack of iron.)
I think we can all collectively agree that, while important, periods are the worst, and as long as men don't have to deal with their uterine walls shedding once a month, we know a hell of a lot more about pain tolerance than they do. The only other people who know our pain are the ones who have worse things plague them once a month. (And, yes, my thoughts and prayers go out to Remus Lupin.)
So, on the first day of your period, when the acne is in full swing, and you are absolutely convinced you’re getting hot flashes, here are 13 thoughts that cross your mind:
1. "Isn't The Pill Supposed To Work Better Than This?"
*reads the fine print of birth control that no one ever pays any attention to*
Oh no.
2. "THEN WHY AM I EVEN ON THE PILL?"
Seriously, why even bother? Sure, there are other benefits, but I want to be like one of those people who goes on the pill and then casually gets their period for two days out of the month and plays tennis in white pants for the full 48 hours nonstop.
3. "God, I Wish I Were Actually Having Sex, Because Then It Would Save Me From This Existential Pill Crisis."
I mean, at least then I'd have another reason to be on the pill...
4. "Maybe I Should Get An IUD."
A lot of women say their period is lighter now that they have an IUD, and damn, I want to be one of those women.
5. "There's No F*cking Chance Child Birth Is Worse Than This"
*Googles everything about childbirth*
*reels in horror*
*seals entire self in saran wrap forever*
5. "Oh God, I Have To Call My Mother And Apologize For Being Born."
My bad. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
6. "Maybe If I Stay Completely Still, My Cramps Will Completely Subside."
No, wait, JK they're getting worse.
I can't move.
HELP.
7. "Is It Socially Acceptable To Bring A Heating Pad Into The Office?"
Because I'm doing it. Get over it.
8. "I THOUGHT I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO GET HOT FLASHES 'TIL MENOPAUSE."
So why does it feel like it's 90 degrees in here?
9. "Damn, Menopause Sounds So Good Right About Now."
No periods. No worries. Well, some worries. Hot flashes and hormone imbalances and mortality, and all. But still.
10. "Being A Guy Sounds So Easy."
Forget the week — I'd like them to last one day on their periods.
11. "I'm Uncomfortable With How Much Uterine Wall Lining I Apparently Had Down There."
Like, an EXCESSIVE amount. Find your chill, uterus. G r o s s.
12. "Ya Know What? I Really Wanted To Make It Through This Week Without Using The Words 'Uterine Wall.'"
Period week is where those dreams go to die.
13. "We Should Get Menstrual Days Off In Addition To Maternity Days."
I wonder if they have those in Sweden?
*researches*
*plans the entire move*
*remembers her job and life and family and thinks better of it*
*goes back to the brownies*
*doesn't care that she's a total cliché cause brownies are effing delicious*.
***Please forgive the number of asterisks in this post. Just kidding, they were entirely necessary and you're welcome for the gift of them and my menstrually savvy self.
Images: Giphy(13); CBS
