What Kind Of Amenities Will The 'AHS' Hotel Have?

So far, glimpses of Lady Gaga's silver talons have been enough to incite excitement for American Horror Story's new season Hotel— so trust me when I say you're not going to be able to handle this. Entertainment Weekly just debuted two brand new teasers for American Horror Story: Hotel, and they are an EYEFUL. Or, um, not: the previews give us a glimpse of an eyeless patron and a curious sleeping arrangement. And, as we start to get a better sense of the hotel (which is allegedly based around the shadier side of Chateau Marmont), I really have to wonder what sort of features it has to offer before I book a room.

Now if you know anything about the Chateau Marmont, you'll know that it's mainly known for temporarily housing the most glamorous of stars. Sure, there's whispers of hauntings, but mainly it's known as a fancy joint where most patrons have all their body parts. Obviously, they're taking EXTREME creative license here with the whole... supernatural thing — so it's really not clear just exactly what the hotel in AHS: Hotel will be like. But, what IS certain is that the hotel will definitely have the following creature comforts.

Sit back, relax, watch the horrifying teaser trailers, and then brace yourself for what we should experience during our stay at Hotel's hotel.

1. Wake Up Calls Courtesy Of Shirtless, Eyeless Mutants.

Cause let's be honest, you ALWAYS ignore your 7 a.m. iPhone alarm.

2. Comfy Beds Ranging In Queen, King, Or Nail.

Prepare for the best beauty rest of your entire life!

3. Relaxing Iron Claw Neck Massage.

You know what really calms you down when you're feeling super anxious? Not breathing.

4. Room Service.

What are you in the mood for this morning? Coffee? Mimosas? Strawberry pancakes? Human flesh? Scrambled or over easy?

5. On-Site Entertainment.

It's so weird that everyone sings in this hotel, it's like we're living in a horror version of Glee...

6. Aerobics Classes To Keep Yourself In Best Shape For When You're Running From Unimaginable Terrors.

Oh, and to maintain those killer abs!

7. Laundry Service To Get Out Those TOUGH Stains.

Don't worry, THEY'LL take care of all those bloodied sheets, and we even have someone to mend the stab tears!

8. Adjustable Air Condition For All Except Our Gates Of Hell Honeymoon Sweet.

Sorry guys, that room is perpetually hot, hot, hot... just like a honeymoon should be. (WINK).

9. Mints.

Everybody likes mints.

I mean, considering it's probably a majorly haunted hotel, amenities like these are the least guests can ask for.

Images: FX (1); Giphy (11)