Someone needs to get this guy a bald eagle made of apple pie, because he as a national hero. Well, I don't know if he's American. But he is a hero. Reddit user KarlRyker is an 18-year-old guy who has recorded his masturbation habits for a month. And oh, what a record it is. This guy managed 163 sessions in the 93 days he recorded. Is he a god? I don't understand. I mean, it's no surprise that he's not sexually active, because although masturbation can (and should) totally exist alongside a sexual relationship, in this case, that would be a superhuman feat.
I mean, I'm not shy about the fact that I love masturbating, and do it frequently. I often announce to my flatmate that I'm going for some "private time," to which she invariably replies, "I don't care. Please stop talking to me. Just stop." It's a fun little game we play. But I feel like a damn amateur next to KarlRyker. I think he blows any of my records out of the water. He also taught me some things. (Porn from Reddit? Is that a thing? How old am I!?) Here are the seven best stats from his 93 days of bliss (and possible friction burns).
1. The Longest Session Was 68 Minutes
Sixty-eight minutes. That's over an hour. That's basically a feature film's worth of wanking. Talk about dedication.
2. The Shortest Was Just Two Minutes
A roller coaster of emotions. So it's not all endurance-level masturbatory marathons — sometimes, he was a quick shooter. I should add that his average length of masturbation was 21.3 minutes, which sounds like a more standard time.
3. His Best Streak Was 35 Consecutive Days
I would say I'm pretty dedicated to my masturbating, especially if I'm not getting laid (always and forever). But life gets in the way. Or at least, life gets in the way for us mere mortals. KarlRyker managed 35 days without a single break.
4. He Managed To Do It Twice A Day For 27 Consecutive Days
Not only did he masturbate for a month straight, but he almost reached a whole month of twofers. On top of that, there were eight days in a row he did it three times a day. I salute you.
5. The Most Was Four Times In One Day
Four times in a day. And he did this three times. I'm beginning to think he may need a hobby.
6. He Didn't Always Finish
In fact, 3.1 percent of the time, he couldn't cross the finish line. He's just like one of us. One of us, who masturbates 163 times in 93 days.
7. He Used Porn 92.1 Percent Of The Time
Like most of us, he normally relied on porn, which he normally found through Reddit (I did not know this was a thing). On average, these sessions took a little longer, but we only assume it was worth it, as he used porn so much of the time.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our SoundCloud page.
