After two long committed years in a mostly monogamous relationship with my Fitbit, I fear that I have been depriving it. Yes, I've been keeping it satisfied — I get my step counts, I keep it buzzing, I do everything a good Fitbit wearer should — but at the same time I fear my FitBit will hear about this woman who used her Fitbit during sex, and realize that my life is not so exciting after all. I mean, sure. My relationship with my Fitbit has had its ups and downs (in that it tracks me running up and down the stairs when I'm late for work), but never this kind of up and down (and UP and DOWN and UPPP and — you get the point).
Anyway, my point is that I'm low key freaking out that my Fitbit will leave me for Reddit user noveltysin, who posted the graph of her results. True to its promise, the new Fitbit Charge really DOES track your heart rate, even when your heart is beating to the sweet rhythm of many winking emojis. And good news, everyone! ~Sexy times~ put you well into Fitbit's exercising range. I wonder how many steps this is worth on the old version? (Asking for a friend. A friend who hasn't updated to the new model and is now experiencing a ton of FOMO for it. A friend who is, incidentally, ME.)
Here is what some highly scientific Fitbit sex looks like:
For perspective, the user shares that as she is rather fit, her resting heart rate is 60 bpm. So do with that information what you will in assessing this, fellow graph nerds/gym rats of the world. If we need other people to try this out, then I volunteer as tribute, and I nominate any cast member of the Marvel universe to help. For SCIENCE.
And speaking of further research, I can't help the curiosity as to what other ~sexy~ things the new Fitbit might be able to track. Take, for instance:
Sex Dreams
Just when Ryan Gosling thought I was done name-dropping him in articles, this little issue came up again. But seriously, I'm curious. It's well-known that people can orgasm in their sleep. But if an orgasm happens in the middle of the night and there is no Fitbit around to track it, does it make a sound?
When You Think About The Fact That Chris Pratt And Jennifer Lawrence Are Co-Starring In A Movie
Like, I think about the upcoming Passengers movie and my heart starts to race. If I took my Fitbit to the actual theater I'm afraid my heartbeat might make it explode.
That Moment When The Server Brings Your Food To Your Table
If you just thought to yourself, "Wait, that's not a sexy thing," then get out. GET. OUT. Come back when you have your priorities in order, ya punk.
Meanwhile, if anybody needs me, I'll be apologizing to my Fitbit for leading my unexciting life by taking the stairs today as an extra special treat. (Sorry, little plastic buddy. I'm still single AF.)
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