Going to college is frightening enough. Add in the awkward factor of being sexiled by your roommate, and it's a whole other type of terror. Figuring out what to do if you're sexiled by your roommate is no fun, especially when you aren't given any warning. I'm sorry, but a scrunchie on the door isn't so much a "warning" as it is an afterthought. Yes, you're happy that your roommate is getting action, but couldn't she have let you at least grab your phone out of the room first?
It happened to me. I was a naive freshman going to an out-of-state college, rooming with a girl I knew from an AOL message board. I figured since we were sort of familiar with each other, it'd be better than getting paired with a total stranger. Things were good for a little bit, until they turned terrible. Enter "older boyfriend."
While "older boyfriend" was always nice enough, he often forgot that another human (uh, me) inhabited the small dorm that my roommate and I called home. Three was definitely a crowd whenever he visited, which seemed like always. Yet, being the naive freshman that I was, I was a coward in stating my point of view on the boyfriend matter. After all, I shared a room with this girl. Who knew what her revenge tactics might be?
It was the end of the semester, and my method of studying involved drinking eight cups of coffee and pulling an all-nighter. Though this method kept me awake, it also made my bladder fill up faster, forcing me to run to the bathroom every few minutes. Big mistake.
When I returned to the room, I realized I had been locked out — scrunchie on the door, books inside, and no clue as to when I'd be allowed entrance back into my personal space. My friends across the hall let me hang out with them for awhile, and I forced myself to watch Monsters Inc. in lieu of cramming for my chemistry exam. I took brief breaks to see if I could retrieve my books, but I couldn't. There in the hallway, with tears streaming down my face, I promised myself to never have a boyfriend while having a roommate, to avoid pulling that same disrespectful maneuver. (At least, uh... that's why I told myself I was single.)
That wasn't the only time I was sexiled, but it was the one that taught me how to prepare for future attacks. And now, years later, I pass that information down to you, sexiled reader. To avoid a traumatizing experience like mine, here are a few things to do if you, yourself, are sexiled by your roommate.
1. Don't Panic
College sexual encounters don't normally last that long. I mean, it'll probably be happening in a dorm room, which is the least sexy place in the world. Take a deep breath, and realize that unless you want to bust in there with an RA and ruin the moment for them, you'll have to brave it out.
If you were in the midst of something important, try to find an alternate way to get your stuff done. For example, if you were writing a report, ask a hallmate if you could borrow their laptop for some additional research. Or go to the library, try and remember where you left off at home, and keep going. Then, combine the original and the secondary parts together when you're back in the loving arms of your MacBook.
2. Use The Time To Explore Campus
If you get sexiled on a sunny day, consider yourself lucky. Now you finally have an excuse to walk around and check out everything that your campus has to offer. Bring a buddy with you, or take a solo tour. You're bound to find something new that'll make you love your college just a little bit more. (Like, finding out that the dining hall on the other side of campus serves gigantic chocolate chip cookies, just like they served back in middle school.)
Sexiled on a rainy day? This might be the time to check out some of the campus' community spaces, like the student center, or the library, or (if you're sexiled while wearing sweats) the gym.
3. Stand Your Ground
Every roommate gets one excuse to be a complete jerk. It happens when you're in your early 20s, and under a lot of pressure. If your roommate sexiled you in a completely irresponsible way, let them know that similar behavior in the future will not be cool. Something simple like, "Hey, I know you miss your boyfriend, but can you give me some advanced notice next time?" is a good start. It shows that you understand the need for "alone time," but shouldn't be treated like a doormat in the process. And if they fail to take note of your feelings, consider asking your RA for a roommate switch.
4. Find A Safe Space
Part of the reason why I joined my campus radio station was to have some place to be outside my room. If things got dicey in the dorm, I knew I was welcome to hang out with my fellow DJs and Wilco enthusiasts. Even if your roommate is a dream come true, it's important to find a secondary home on campus, because let's face it, you need a break from each other every now and then.
5. Sexile Them Back
Yes, it's cruel, and a little immature. But if you've been locked out multiple times, sometimes a little revenge just feels really, really good. You don't even need to be having sex. You could just use the scrunchie signal, and use the peace and quiet to study or relax. When probed by your roomie, say you forgot to take the scrunchie off the door. Sure, it's not a super grownup move, but some people need to live through the experience themselves to truly "get" it.
6. Work Out A Schedule
Before you start researching off-campus housing, try to coordinate with your roommate. Get to know their class schedule, and designate specific times when the room will be free. On weekends, find out when the other plans on visiting home, and plan some stress-free rendezvous time with your significant other. That way, you can eliminate the concept of sexiling all together. I know that planning sex isn't necessarily a fun thing to do, but it's the sacrifice you need to make as college roommates.
7. Threaten To Involve The RA
This one is the most embarrassing of all, but sometimes it has to be done. Nobody wants to openly discuss their sex life with their RA, but it's a good course of action to take if your roommate refuses to cooperate with you.
The RA is more than the person who has a cool single room on your floor. She does more than create festive construction paper wall art. She's been trained to handle problems just like this, and if she has a year or two of experience, she's probably seen it all. Will it make you look like a wet blanket? In your roommate's eyes, of course. But it's better than letting your roommate have full control of your dorm room.
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