Yikes, Lisa Vanderpump. Yikes.

Hey. HEY. Get ready: On Dec. 9, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Kim Richards will appear on Bethenny . Bethenny Frankel and Kim Richards. A frenetic former Housewife interviewing a frenetic current Housewife. So much unbridled energy. I need to watch it now. Or Monday. I guess I can wait until Monday. Heather Dubrow of The Real Housewives of Orange County will also be on the show, but that's on the back burner for me. I'm tunnel-visioning about the Frankel/Richards interview.

In a preview clip, the ladies discuss one thing and one thing only: Lisa Vanderpump. Richards is pretty straightforward about what a non-friend Vanderpump has been. Oh, how it sizzles! Few things delight me quite like celebs/reality stars being blunt. Happy holidays to me.

Okay, to be fair, Richards doesn't get TOO nasty. She just tells her side of the story. And her side of the story is "Lisa Vanderpump is a lame friend." And yes, she does slip in a few jabs at Vanderpump's expense. Richards could be exaggerating for TV, but if she is telling the truth, it sounds like Vanderpump is a behind-the-scenes jerkwad. Poor Rumpy Pumpy!

I graded my favorite quotes from the two and a half minute clip on a scale of one to five Faintgates. One Faintgate means "a little salty," and five Faintgates mean "OH DAMN, RICHARDS!"

"I don't think that the audience has seen really Lisa's stuff yet. I think that as the season unfolds they will see really what Lisa has done to some of us."

This is cryptic, but not that harsh. RATING:

"I think Lisa has a way about her where she comes off very sweet and kind to all of us. If she is really my friend then she would come to me off camera and say to me, you know, call me and say to me, ‘I’m here for you,' be a friend. But instead she would do it on camera and come to me on camera and say, ‘Darling, if you want to talk about last night…' and I was like, 'Lisa, I don't want to talk about last night. Pretty bad night for me, right.' 'But darling, if you want to talk about it…' cameras rolling, fans to see. You know ... and I'd think, is Lisa my friend?"

OOOH! Calling Vanderpump OUT for being a camera-only friend! That burns. RATING:

"But when I wasn't well I couldn't decipher, and all of a sudden, I'm getting more well and I'm thinking, Girlfriend. You are not my friend. I so see what you're doing."In other words: "When I got sober and healthy, I realized you were terrible." Ouch.RATING:

"She's letting the audience think she's my friend, when clearly she was dragging all my stuff out for the world to see, more and more."

Yikes. Claiming that Vanderpump used Richards's battle with alcoholism for screen time is such a brutal call out. If this is true, that's a jerky, Machiavellian move on Vanderpump's part. RATING:

"There were no off-camera phone calls to check on me. There was never a real friendship there. That's the kind of stuff she's done to all of us."

Richards alleges that Vanderpump is a crappy friend across the board. There was that report that Vanderpump is dreading the reunion because she's feuding with the entire cast.... is it because they've all been scorned by Machiavenderpump?!RATING:

"So, I think that more and more of that will unfold and you'll see the little snide things that she does."

This could've been written off as another vague comment, but Richards's use of the word "snide" elevated it. I love that word.RATING:

"She's just never been a real good friend to me. And that's okay. She doesn't have to be. I'm over it."

All I hear: "EAT IT, VANDERPUMP." RATING:

I've never said this before in my life: I cannot wait for Monday.

Images: Warner Bros./Fox; Bravo