'OITNB' Inmates as Jenji Kohan's New Salem Witches

In a year that's already been positively gangbusters for all us grown-up teen witches, news of another witch-centric series — this time from the creator of Weeds and Orange is the New Black, Jenji Kohan — has emerged. Obviously this one, above most of the others, is worth getting especially excited about considering Kohan's deft hand when it comes to constructing complicated, interesting, flawed, and fully realized female characters. (And she ain't so bad at writing the menfolk, either!) And it's going to be on HBO, which means it's going to be no-holds-barred. Salem + witches + HBO + Jenji Kohan + period drama = a lot worth getting excited about.

The as-yet-untitled Salem, Massachussetts-centric period drama is said to be a provocative look at one of the most divisive and desperate times in American history. Considering that Kohan's bread and butter of character and storytelling prowess are inherent in such a premise — that whole intolerance of differences, the degredation of women, and heaps upon heaps of repression — we're excited to see what the show will offer.

But then we also had a crazy idea: wouldn't it be funny to see the inmates of Litchfield were transported back to 17th century New England and transformed into witches (or in the very least, witches accused)? So we thought we'd have a little fun and imagine the how and why our favorite Litchbitches would be considered witches.

Witch Piper

Salem Name: Katherine EnglishReal Witch or Accused Witch: Jury's still out on this witchAlleged Witchy Crime: Accused of recruiting local women to join a satanic coven, though Katherine's motivation is not known at this time.

Witch Alex

Salem Name: Sarah Wilde BishopReal Witch or Accused Witch: Flies around on her broomstick drunk witchAlleged Witchy Crime: Accused of evoking a powerful spirit that forced the local women to lay with each other during a satanic ritual, which is exactly what Sarah was doing.

Witch Red

Salem Name: Dorothy Hollingsworth ReddReal Witch or Accused Witch: Dances in the moonlight drenched in blood witchAlleged Witchy Crime: Accused of casting a spell on local children with the hopes of turning them into sausage. Dorothy was actually hoping to turn them into mince meat pies (that way they feed more people), and only the bastard ones that nobody wanted.

Witch Crazy Eyes

Salem Name: Mary BurroughsReal Witch or Accused Witch: Falsely accused witchAlleged Witchy Crime: Found dancing with Tituba, Mary Burroughs was accused of attempting to awaken the dead through mystical rhythm and movement. Really she was just trying to dance it out.

Witch Tiffany

Salem Name: Elizabeth Winifred ProcterReal Witch or Accused Witch: Turns into a cat every evening witchAlleged Witchy Crime: Accused of unorthodox and unseemly speech in order to bring salvation to her coven.

Witch Nicky

Salem Name: Margaret EamesReal Witch or Accused Witch: Unhinged witch-in-trainingAlleged Witchy Crime: Naked dancing in a cemetery. No witchcraft was involved, though — she was just trying to live her life and be as free as her best friend Mary Burroughs.

Witch Taystee

Salem Name: Mary Elizabeth DustinReal Witch or Accused Witch: Not a witchAlleged Witchy Crime: Was found near the body of a dead man and six dogs.

Image: Jill Greenberg [1]; Orange is the New Black/Netflix [5]