If there’s anything that deserves a love song written about it, it’s your vibrator. As I think we can all agree, our vibrators make for great BFFs whether we’re in or out of relationship. You know it, I know it, and based on Macy Gray’s new song, “B.O.B.,” she’s pretty damn aware of it, too.
"B stands for battery, O is for operated, B is for better because he's not complicated,” as noted by Jezebel’s Bobby Finger, Gray’s song is absolutely about her love for her vibrator, Bob. Here’s an excerpt:
He fits like a glove, always up for love,steady like a caterpillarRabbit from a hat, he knows just where it’s at.Give me what I want, and I want that.
And this:
H is for ha ha ha, it's heavenly it looks like a big hot dogAnd it makes me say ah, ah, aaaaah.
But if that doesn’t convince you, then the video with Bob being adorable and walking around with his friends, should put any lasting doubts to bed. I mean, the little dude is clearly a vibrator and one that likes to dance, at that.
While Macy Gray might be the first to pen an actual love letter to her beloved sex toy, she definitely isn’t the first to sing about masturbation. Here are 17 songs that came before “B.O.B,” that are just as important in the celebration of self-love. Some, of course, are more obvious than others.
1. “I Touch Myself” By Divinyls
No song is more obvious in its ode to masturbation like "I Touch Myself," by the Divinyls. When she sings, "When I think about you, I touch myself," there is no denying what's going on there.
2. “She Bop” By Cyndi Lauper
Having sung along to this one easily a million times when I was a kid, I remember having my world shook to the core when someone told me it was about masturbation. But then when I really listened to the lyrics, I realized I was singing along to "In the pages of a Blue Boy magazine / Hey I've been thinking of a new sensation / I'm picking up good vibration / Ooh she bop, she bop," and yeah... MIND. BLOWN.
3. “Spank Thru” By Nirvana
Similar to "I Touch Myself," there's not much hiding going on with this title. Kurt got straight to the point with, "I can feel it, I can hold it / I can bend it, I can shape it, I can mold it / I can cut it, I can taste it / I can spank it, I can beat it, masturbate it."
4. “If” By Janet Jackson
Janet Jackson belts out these lyrics so fast that you almost miss them, but then you realize, "Oh, that's what she's saying." The proof: "How many nights I've laid in bed excited over you / I've closed my eyes and thought of us a hundred different ways / I've gotten there so many times I wonder how bout you."
5. “Be My Girl (Sally)” By The Police
The most interesting aspect about this song that's clearly about a blow-up doll ("She came all wrapped in cardboard / All pink and shriveled down... I took her to the bedroom / And pumped her with some life") is that in what we know about Sting's sex life, exactly how long was he pumping this doll? Hours? Days? Weeks?
6. “Dancing With Myself” By Billy Idol
Well, there's just simply no denying this one: “When there’s no one else in sight / In the crowded lonely night / Well I wait so long / For my love vibration / And I’m dancing with myself."
7. “Billy Liar” By The Decemberists
Granted Billy is a bit of a perv with his "hands in his pockets / Staring over at the neighbor’s, knickers down / He’s got his knickers down," the fact remains that he's still saying hello to his monster, as they say.
8. “Turning Japanese” By The Vapors
While this song might be categorized as racist considering "turning Japanese" is about his eyes squinting while he brings himself to orgasm, that, combined with the fact that he's staring at photos of his girlfriend all over his cell, is a dead giveaway.
9. “Touch Of My Hand” By Britney Spears
"The more I come to understand the touch of my hand / The small of my back / The arch of my feet / Lately I’ve been noticing the beautiful me / I’m all in my skin and I’m not gonna wait / I’m into myself in a most precious way."
Who knew Brit had it in her?
10. “Blister In The Sun” By Violent Femmes
Having loved the Violent Femmes for as long as I can remember (they were the first band I ever saw live), the meaning of "Blister In the Sun" has come up a few times with friends. Along the majority of us (and majority of people, in general) will fight to the death that it's about masturbation, I have one friend who said it was about him cheating on his girlfriend with a guy, because of the "big hands" line.
You decide: "Body and beats, I stain my sheets, I don't even know why / My girlfriend she's at the end, she is starting to cry / Let me go on, like a blister in the sun / Let me go on, big hands I know you're the one."
11. “Pump It Up” By Elvis Costello
“Down in the pleasure centers/Hell bent or heaven sent/Listen to the propaganda / Listen to the latest slander / There’s nothing underhand / That she wouldn’t understand / Pump it up until you can feel it / Pump it up when you don’t really need it."
The thought of a very young adorable Elvis Costello singing about masturbation is enough to warm even the coldest hearts, don't you agree?
12. “All Is Full Of Love” By Bjork
"All Is Full of Love," is definitely my most favorite Bjork song ever. I remember seeing the video for the first time and thinking it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I naturally attributed it to love she had for another until I was told to take another look by a friend: "All is full of love / You just ain't receiving / All is full of love / Your phone is off the hook / All is full of love / Your doors are all shut / All is full of love!"
I don't think she's singing about anyone but herself anymore, and now I love it more than I did.
13. “Homemade” By Sebadoh
If there's anyone who can make masturbation sound both hot and depressing, it's Lou Barlow and crew: “Sittin’ around with my homemade bone / I’m naked and loose when no one’s home / And I may let my fingers roam / Juicing free on my holy bone."
More guys should refer to their penis as their "holy bone."
14. “Longview” By Green Day
Even for this former naive girl, there has never been even the slightest misunderstanding when it comes to this one by Green Day: "Bite my lip and close my eyes / Take me away to paradise / I’m so damn bored / I’m going blind."
15. “Into The Groove” By Madonna
Although she's singing about how she's tired of masturbating, Madonna is still singing about it: "Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free / At night, I lock the doors where no one else can see / I'm tired of dancing here all by myself / Tonight I wanna dance with someone else."
Fun fact: Sonic Youth's side project, Ciccone Youth, does a fun cover of this one.
16. "Holiday Song" By The Pixies
If there was ever a song to make you feel bad about masturbation, it's "Holiday Song" by The Pixies. But that's what you get when when lead singer and songwriter, Frank Black, was raised in the evangelic church, Assemblies of God:
"Sit right down my wicked son, and let me tell you a story / About the boy who fell from glory and how he was a wicked son / This ain't no holiday, but it always turns out this way / Here I am, with my hand / He took his sister from his head / And he painted her on the sheets / And then rolled her up in grass and trees / And they kissed 'til they were dead."
17. “My Ding-A-Ling” By Chuck Berry
“When I was little boy in grammar school / Always went by the very best rule / But every time the bell would ring / You’d catch me playing with my ding-a-ling."
Well, no question there.
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