In researching this article, I came to two alarming conclusions: (1) searching "butt accessories" on Amazon.com might get you some strange looks in the office, and (2) butts everywhere are under siege.
Recently, Amy Schumer declared this as the year of the butt, and we couldn't agree more: famous butts like Kim Kardashian and Nicki Minaj did a lot to bring the back to the front of the class in 2014. Still, there's more work to be done. Every day, products and services are engineered to make us feel bad about our butts. In my search for the worst of offenders, I found butt pads, girdles, harnesses, creams, gels, electrodes, potions, and even spells cast by covens of witches. I'm not here to judge you: you are free to do whatever you please with your butt. With that said, I wanted to take a peek at some honest reviews of these products to see if they actually do what they promise to do. Because I'm helpful like that.
That's why we've partnered with Comedy Central's Inside Amy Schumer: to take back our butts, and not take them so darn seriously. After all, as Amy reminds us ... around the corner, fudge is made:
Warning! This is NSFW, depending on where you "W." Here's a test: If you feel comfortable searching "butts" on Etsy while you're at work, like I do, go right ahead.
Tune in tonight (Tuesdays) for an all new episode of Inside Amy Schumer at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central and on the Comedy Central App.
1. BUTT CRACK COVERS
Backtacular, $15, Geekologie
The Claim: Self-explanatory. Also, the product page appears to have disappeared into the internet abyss.
Are we sure about this? Like, really sure? This reminds me of the bedazzled bra strap trend, which I thought we left well in the past. YOU CAN’T JUST PUT RHINESTONES ON YOUR MISTAKES AND PRETEND IT’S OK.
What Real Butts Are Saying:
- "Utilitarian AND stylish!" -- Buzzfeed
2. BELFIE STICK
<img width="515" alt="Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 25520 PMpng" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/i0Iq325nFWONlH-fGKCPPxS9yo98LF2e_d2-YmDdGgimLpTs-WC4qvIEn8HBJ42Hqs7YAIR9SDM6TzEjbpoL30aEREfeXb4SjZEIMIzZW9D2-4Qy96rm9mQnWrBnxs0k4vebE7w" height="297" class="article-body-image"/>
Belfie Stick, $80, Belfie
The Claim: This selfie stick will capture your best assets.
Let’s start a conspiracy theory! Is this product real or just extremely successful exercise in trolling? Almost, probably, definitely the latter. We did our due diligence as journalists to get to the bottom of things, as it were. But when we reached out to Belfie to get product, we received no response. (THE BELFIE STICK WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME!) If you’re out there, Belfie Stick owners, send us a picture of your butt. Thx.
What Real Butts Are Saying:
- NO BUTTS HAVE SPOKEN PUBLICLY ABOUT THE BELFIE. Presumably, Belfie users were struck speechless while gazing upon their shapely rears. Or ... there IS no Belfie Stick. ::spooky noises::
3. BEAUTYKO EVERTONE BUTT THIGH TONER
<img width="489" alt="Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 23512 PMpng" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/52-L6PkhN2f75VN4bcNLVdhXdNphMH-BERQt05mfjU-Xp8KPq9Q5jA6ikljyDo9J7QmbHbzB-7jDtgoqVapeNeRrx7kfume23AHVTRAjclfHlhZbzJpdacmxkuJqxF4C41uCIHM" height="448" class="article-body-image"/>
Beautyko Ultra-Sage Extreme Digital Muscle Stimulation, $27, Amazon
The Claim: “The system will do the work for you while you while you watch TV or relax.” FITNESS GOALS ACHIEVED.
Oddly enough, the beautiful models in the photos have slapped electrodes on a bunch of body parts that are not butts. Do they know what they’ve signed up for? Is this product even for butts? Are the electronic pulses too ~dangerous~ for direct application? WHERE ARE THE BUTTS?
What Real Butts Are Saying:
- Not a peep. That means that no butt has admitted to purchasing this product on Amazon.com.
4. BEAUTYKO EVERTONE BUTT THIGH TONER, TAKE TWO
<img width="413" alt="Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 24136 PMpng" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/zrwF8sY1MphYN9fyVIfrA-I3tT3CaP-zDlTuA9iuRY_ukVZzZvpLJ6ajxAP5UE2jbkI3v5n6BfsPSfeLVhVvmkXRwPEr8qyQsfYnMMuc6dI7lhvRRiTMUmlwUMi3LkbA87yRxrw" height="383" class="article-body-image"/>
Evertone Butt and Thigh Toner and Massager, $65, Amazon
The claim: “Evertone bottom toning system uses FDA-approved electronic pulsing and toning technology for women to lift, shape and firm their butt and thighs to creating a new, beautiful and stylish look. Give your entire rear end a perfect concentrated butt workout stimulating all the nerves in the target rear end area making them contract and relax to give you a sexy shapely butt.”
Now we've gotten the hang of it! Finally, we've decided that the best place for electrodes are your butt. A few questions: Can you sit down while wearing it? Can you walk? Can it go under clothes, so you can work on your new butt incognito? What does it mean for a butt to have a “stylish look”?
What Real Butts Are Saying:
- "This gadget fit awkwardly on my body. The electrodes delivered borderline painful shocks to my muscles. I wanted to try it. DO NOT PURCHASE this product!!" -- Shellshocked Amazon Reviewer
5. Ularmo® Padded Seamless Butt Enhancer Shaper Panties
Ularmo Lady Padded Seamless Butt Hip Enhancer Shaper, $6, Amazon
The claim: “These curve creating enhancers have a natural look that is sure to give you a style boost under your favorite outfits.”
I don't know if I've been looking at butt accessories for too long, but this seems somewhat reasonable! It's like a padded bra for your bottom. But there is something uncanny about underwear that already looks like it’s filled with a real human butt.
What Real Butts Are Saying:
- “They aren't made for a human that's for sure, perhaps a mannequin.” -- Speculative Amazon Reviewer
- “I can’t even fit it up my leg.” -- Dismayed Amazon Reviewer
- “These are the best!!!” -- Ecstatic Amazon Reviewer
- “Didn't like them, too pointy and unrealistic” -- Pointed Amazon Reviewer
- “No, no Wanted to experiment but no.” -- Never-Again Amazon Reviewer
6. REAR GEAR (FOR DOGS)
The Claim: “No more Mister Brown Eye.” :( :(
I feel like ... Rear Gear says more about the owner than it does about the dog. I already pick up my dog’s poop with my plastic bag-covered hands. I have no illusions about where her poop comes from. I also can’t recall a time when I’ve stared at her bum hole long enough to think that the problem was it, and not me.
What Real Butts Are Saying:
- ”Just as pictured! Everyone loved it!” ….except for your poor dog. - Etsy User
- “Not sure who is going to actually buy this product, nor the psychological profile of the individual who had this idea.” -The Mary Sue
7. INCREASE BOOTY HIP BUTT SIZE RITUAL SPELL CASTING
The claim: "This powerful spell will manipulate the booty of the person, endowing women the type of booty that will have her mate begging for more. [...] 'Sexy' is the description that many will refer to you as. This powerful spell [has] helped many women retain a beautiful booty for many years."
Is your butt still unhappy? This is a spell that purports to make it bigger, better, and more beautiful. Price varies depending on the size of the unlucky witch coven that is tasked with casting spells on your butt. In other words, you can find literally anything on Etsy.
What Real Butts Are Saying:
- "Nattning happening and I weiting" -- Butterfingered Etsy Reviewer
- "I can feel the positive energy from it as well." --Happy Etsy Reviewer
Tune in tonight (Tuesdays) for an all new episode of Inside Amy Schumer at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central and on the Comedy Central App.
Image: Fotolia
