Laugh at Simon Singing in Public

You know how they say that those who can't do, teach? Never has the phrase been more applicable. At a charity event in Beverly Hills earlier this week, X Factor judge and former American Idol villain Simon Cowell sang the Power Rangers theme song. Asked to perform the classic tune by none other than the billionaire Power Rangers creator himself, Haim Saban, the deal was that if Cowell sang in public, Saban would donate $1 million to the Friends of the Israel Defense Forces fund.

There are a few things we need to discuss about Cowell's performance. First of all, his haircut looks even more ridiculous when viewed from behind. The man is in his fifties; you'd think at this point he would've figured out his G.I. Joe action figure buzz is doing him zero favors.

Second of all, when Saban shoves the mic in Cowell's face and demands he sings lest the charity lose the $1 million donation, Cowell puts on this really deep, deep voice, and if it sounds familiar, it's because it's exactly what every dorky dad did at every Bat Mitzvah. It's the old, I can't really sing, so I'll make it funny routine, and it's 100 percent transparent.

Also worth noting: Insanely wealthy people evidently LOVE them some Power Rangers. They all start clapping their hands in rhythm and moving their hips to the beat like they're at a goddamn Hootie and the Blowfish concert and had one too many Zimas. The "haves" can be so weird.

Anyway, when pressed to sing more, Cowell says he'll donate $250,000 to the cause if he doesn't have to sing. Yada yada yada, it appears as if the charity walks away with $1.25 million, and we walk away knowing that Cowell is full of shit. All talk, no walk.

(Cue up your British accent and read): The performance was totally moronic. You have no talent, whatsoever. Honestly, I don't know who told you you could sing, but they're wrong, sweetheart. The whole thing felt like bad karaoke in a hotel lobby. PS — your mother's a whore.

Humiliating Cowell in the name of charity, as he's humiliated so many others, seems totally just. He deserves what comes to him, no matter how many bagillions of dollars and deep V t-shirts he keeps in his closet.

Ah, revenge. It tastes so sweet.