If I'm being honest, I don't really understand (nor do I want to) people who ruin their coffee with things like "milk" and "sugar." And don't even get me started on the whole butter in coffee phenomenon. No offense to you if you're a big fan of any or all of these things, but ... you're drinking coffee. Don't you want it to taste like coffee? As you've probably guessed by now, I clearly drink only black coffee myself, as I believe all quality humans should. And if you think that's a bit of a strong statement, consider this: There are a number of proven benefits to taking your coffee black — the way the gods intended it to be.
Of course, those benefits vary wildly, though perhaps the most scientific-y of them all is this: Researchers have found that black coffee can positively affect your overall physical and mental health. (So take that, latte lovers!) It's no wonder then that ordering your cup o' Joe sans leche or other additives immediately puts you in the company of other top-notch people, too. Because let's be real — how you take your coffee (much like which beer you pledge your allegiance to) says something about you as a human, whether you mean it to or not. Allow me to illustrate that point thusly, by walking you through all the ways in which black coffee drinkers in particular are totally doing life right. (Not that I'm biased, or anything.)
1. They're More Time Efficient
Adding milk and sugar to coffee does many things, but here's one you probably don't often think about: It robs your life of precious minutes — minutes you'll never get back while trying to perfect your perfect morning cup of caffeine. (Unless you skip the process altogether, of course.)
2. They're In Better Health
While you may love the taste, a Harvard research study found that taking in excess amounts of sugar increases your risk of heart problems. (I mean, I'm all about you living your best life, so I'm not here to sugar-shame. Just to coffee-shame, with ~science~.)
3. They're Low-Maintanence
They'll never be the jerk at breakfast, paranoid about their milk-to-coffee ratio when the server stops by for refills. That's because their cup holds only coffee, as it should be.
4. They're Thrifty
Love ain't free, and neither are the rubbish sweeteners you may or may not regularly drown your morning beverage with. Black coffee drinkers don't waste money on such non-necessary items. Also, there's this: Black coffee is usually the cheapest option on any cafe menu.
5. They Have Great Style
Know what's always on point fashion-wise? Black. And yes, that extends from clothing to beverages. (Just trust me on this one.) Plus, matching your outfit with your drink is next-level coordination right there.
6. They Notice Subtle Complexities
Want someone to not give a damn about the high-end, locally roasted, fresh ground coffee you painstakingly prepared for them? Give a cup to some fool who will murder the gesture with — shiver — HALF-AND-HALF. Yuck. A black coffee drinker, on the other hand, will not only notice the beauty of the dark roast you've prepared; they will whole-heartedly appreciate it.
7. They Emanate Wisdom
I don't have a study to back me up on this one, but usually, people don't set out by drinking black coffee. It typically happens when they start falling apart health-wise, or they've just read up on the many benefits. Needless to say, these people are several steps ahead and ergo, on top of life in more ways than one.
8. They Experience More Balanced Moods
Chances are the black coffee drinker in your world doesn't experience half as many sugar highs (and sugar crashes) as everyone else in your social circle. Meaning, they're pretty even-keeled much of the time, brah.
9. They Don't Participate In Useless Social Rituals
Such as requesting a coffee with an absurdly long name at the coffee shop. No one has time for a seven-syllable drink order, guys. Black coffee drinkers know this, and you can bet they have more pride than that.
10. They're More Honest
Like I said, black coffee = the most pure, unedited version of coffee available. No arguing that. That's why it's no surprise that most black coffee drinkers are pretty straight shooters, in more ways than one.
11. They Understand They Are Drinking Coffee
I'm sorry, but when did microwaved ice-cream start passing as coffee? Call me crazy, but that's exactly what I think sugar-loaded, milk-drenched coffee tastes like. When you drink black coffee, you taste your drink in its most purest form — and it's delish.
12. They're Badass
'Nuff said.
Any questions? Didn't think so.
