There are days when existing on this Earth gives me so much faith in our species. Like, you guys, humankind created the Cronut. That right there is the kind of thing I want the aliens secretly spying on our primitive plant to see and begrudgingly respect. Because if they happened to peer into their telescope at the exact moment this guy intentionally stuck his tongue in a Venus fly trap, they'd probably just put our entire planet out of its misery by wiping our dumb asses off the face of the universe. And honestly, they wouldn't be wrong to do so. This man cannot be our ambassador. All cronut-level innovation and no Venus fly trap-level attention-seeking in 2015, please.
Spoiler alert: The plant totally bit him, and not in the coy Fifty Shades Of Supposedly Sexy Tongue Biting way—it bit the bejeezus out of him, and he has the bloody tongue to prove it. But really, I think the Venus fly trap is the real victim here, because it probably thought it was about to get the snack of a lifetime. Imagine if someone handed you a Chipotle burrito and then yanked it away screaming, and that's basically what this guy just did to this plant. I'm Team Fly Trap, because honestly anybody stupid enough to get into shenanigans like this doesn't deserve to have someone as awesome as me on their side.
Well, here's what it looks like to have a vicious plant bite into one of your favorite organs, just in case you were ever tempted to find out.
I encourage you to watch the full video with sound, because hearing a full-grown man go "AHUGUHUHH" was a really soothing way for me to cope with Friday morning, personally.
A bit of science behind Venus fly traps: In a stroke of bizarre irony, they are carnivorous plants. (This right here is how I justify not being a vegetarian. Even the PLANTS are eating things, so come on.) It mostly feeds on small insects, and once it snaps up on one, it takes about ten days for it to digest. Only then will it open up its plant-mouth and wait for more prey (or human tongues).
If you decide to keep on at home, you're supposed to feed them using a chopstick, or some other hack that will stop it from trying to bite your finger off. Fair warning, all potential plant owners: Venus fly traps don't give a snap about not biting the hand that feeds them.
Images: Getty (1); YouTube (1); Giphy (2)
