A Definitive Ranking of Every 'Simpsons' Christmas Episode From the Past 25 Years

Verdict: Do we really need an entire holiday episode dedicated to Gil, of all side characters? With that in mind, where is that Hans Moleman Kwanzaa special we’ve all been waiting for?

Lesson: There IS such thing as too much good will towards men.

Image: Fox

Verdict: The thing, a lot of points get shaved off because it’s BARELY a Christmas special. If Lisa (as a camel) didn’t send the audience a wish at the end, you’d forget that entirely. But, independent of the holiday, it’s a decent episode with some hysterical moments.

Lesson: If it’s snowing, just take the day off.

Image: Fox

Verdict: Stellar couch gag aside, Sunday night’s episode will go down in history as having a relatively thin plot. But I’d be lying to you if I said I didn’t laugh a hearty amount of times, particularly during Homer’s entire exchange with Flanders and Moe’s attempts to kiss Marge under the mistletoe.*

*head of lettuce cradled in a spider webLesson: The only place where you should get drunk for the holidays is home. Seriously, that’s the lesson.

Image: Fox

Verdict: Even the title of this episode suggests that at this point the Simpsons holiday specials are getting old, and this one relies on referencing everything from How The Grinch Stole Christmas to A Christmas Carol. It’s fine, just not particularly memorable on it’s own.

Lesson: Something about letting Flanders being the nice guy in town, who knows.

Image: Fox

Verdict: This is the first of two Treehouse of Horror-style Christmas specials, and although the middle mini-episode is completely forgettable, I love Homer’s re-telling of the birth of Jesus. You have to have a morbid sense of humor to enjoy the last installment about Homer rushing to buy last-minute Christmas gifts (Moe’s suicide attempts are a side-joke) but it ends on a sweet note.

Lesson: Things can’t fail heavily if they’re presented in small doses.

Image: Fox

Verdict: The second collection of Christmas mini-episodes is moved up a bit higher, if only because of that last weird segment. I like how it jacks up the parody, and maybe some of you will disagree, but for me it conjures up all the good memories of The Muppets. (That is, everything I can remember before the Lady Gaga Holiday special.) Not even Joseph Gordon-Levitt himself could save that hot mess.

Lesson: You’ll always get snaps for a bit of risk taking. And if that doesn’t work, put Katy Perry in a vinyl dress.

Image: Fox

Verdict: One of my favorite Simpsons episodes in recent history, which I understand probably doesn’t hold a lot of weight for those of you who shun the later seasons. Still, it’s a successful fast forward, showing how the Simpsons kids would tackle parenthood. Bart’s a single, deadbeat dad, Maggie is a knocked-up rock star (a silent voice-of-that-generation), and Lisa is a predictable power-mom. It’s like the best version of fanfiction, but from the writers themselves.

Lesson: Some things DO get better with age.

Image: Fox

Verdict: This episode revolves the Simpsons trying to steal multiple “Funzo’s,” a must-have toy that resembles a Furbie re-designed by Satan and has Terminator-like aspirations. Between that plot and a cameo by Gary Coleman, it’s not the most emotionally charged Simpsons Christmas, and that’s fine. Sometimes watching Bart and Lisa have to scream “Silent Night” to cover the sounds of Homer getting attacked by a dog is more than enough.

Lesson: Sentimentality is a great aspect of the holiday season, but don’t forget to laugh.

Image: Fox

Verdict: Not the first time Bart nearly ruins Christmas, but definitely the first time the family is bailed out of that situation, It’s a Wonderful Life style. Bart lied about the missing Christmas presents (he claims it was a burglary, but he actually accidentally set the tree on fire, whatevs). And it becomes a WHOLE THING. A whole HILARIOUS thing, but one that’s been done better in the past.

Lesson: Lying doesn’t always pay off, and if Santa won’t punish you, an angry mob of townspeople definitely will.

Image: Fox

Verdict: After the Simpson’s church becomes heavily commercialized, Lisa loses faith in Christianity. With the help of Richard Gere, she settles down with Buddhism, and the family attempts to re-convert her (read: bribe with ponies). It’s not only a great episode, it’s an important one that preaches religious acceptance and promotes character growth. (Lisa, seemingly, is the only Simpson to ever go through this.) All the while it retains a sense of classicism by harkening back to Charlie Brown-esque themes of finding truth in a materialistic world.

Lesson: Work to understand one another, whether that means accepting your daughter’s a Buddhist, or paying lip-service to Christmas for your mother’s sake.

Image: Fox

Verdict: It’s weird to think that this episode — which has Bart stealing a game called Bonestorm — as one of the most heartwarming Simpsons story arcs. In fact it gets downright chilly when Marge, disappointed in Bart, becomes cold to him, as if he broke past the limits of unconditional maternal love. But what salvages it is the ending, when Bart tries to make amends with a self-portrait, and then thoughtfully feigns excitement when Marge gives him a copy of Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge.

Lessons: As the holidays approach, try to put aside grudges. Also, maybe don’t steal.

Image: Fox

Verdict: This was always going to be in first place, because even if the Simpsons was cancelled before the season was up, it would’ve left us with one of the most endearing Christmas specials of all time. Despite the shaky quality, which personally I think adds to the charm, it just embodies everything pure and good about the show. And I’ll be honest, when Santa’s Little Helper jumps in Homer’s arms, I absolutely lose it.

Lesson: The holidays are all about spending time with the family. Like, not your own family, but definitely the Simpsons.

Image: Fox