Take Us To Swinton's Scottish Water Castle Please

I have good news for the world: Tilda Swinton is still Tilda Swintoning up a storm. In other words: The Snowpiercer is still weird as hell, and it's just as badass as ever. For evidence of her consistently epic wackiness, let us spend some time reveling in her recent GQ profile — and in a lovely (and obviously hilarious) speech given by friend and Bustle fave Amy Schumer. Swinton is a human person — but she's also an experience.

Proof: This email she sent to her GQ profiler Zach Baron

Sent after Baron retired to his hotel after she promises to tell him what kind of flower grows at her house:

please send me a message in a bottle or tied to a pigeon or even to the neck of my white hen, speckled jim, who disappears every night and i think must live nearer your windows tonight than ours.. sleep very well ps creeping hydrangea (brain like wet cake) x

All I want to do is communicate with Tilda Swinton via pigeon.

She feels like a foundling

'I spent a lot of time thinking that I was some kind of foundling [in my family],' Tilda Swinton says, answering a better question than the one I asked. 'That I had been a changeling, that I had been found under a bush somewhere, and that I couldn't possibly be kin—but the more I live, the more I feel absolutely like I come out of my family. I'm a sort of strange natural progression.'

Amy Schumer Has Some Great Things To Say

Tilda motherf***in' Swinton. Why am I even allowed to say her name? This is ridiculous. I wrote a movie last year, and one of the roles was for my fiercely powerful and elegant boss, and in the character description, I just wrote, "Diana, a goddess, like Tilda Swinton waiting at a baggage claim." Because once I saw Tilda at JFK at the baggage claim, and her just standing there was one of the most beautiful, powerful sights I have ever seen. I just plainly stared at her. It looked like she was on an ice slab, just, like, leading soldiers into a battle. She was waiting for her Tumi bag to come around. And I didn't think in a million years that Tilda would do it, but she did, and she's an actual angel.

Schumer and Swinton became friends when Swinton took a part as Schumer's character's boss in the upcoming Judd Apatow-directed, Schumer-written movie Trainwreck.

Sounds like they had a good time

She's without question one of the greatest actors of our time, but honestly, who gives a shit? Have you hung out with her? She's the greatest friend you will ever have. She is the coolest. Hanging out with her makes me furious at everyone else I've ever met that they are not her. There's no way to describe what it's like to spend time with Tilda Swinton, other than, like, saying it's life changing and heart stopping. And right now, you're like, OK, relax Schumer, she's not going to f*** you. But, like, Fuck you. She is that awesome. That someone can be that present and selfless, and still someone that you'd want to drink Scotch with till you black out. That is a real lady.

For real, though that Swinton's a kook

You shake her hand, and you meet her, and ten minutes later she's inviting you to stay with her and the twins and their pet, like, horses or whatever, in their mysterious beach water castle in Scotland.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Take me to that water castle.