Ann Coulter Doesn't Like You, Soccer, Or Anything

Conservative columnist and author of If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans Ann Coulter really hates soccer — and if you disagree, she hates you too. Or, at least, doesn't think you're American. In what can only be described as a piece of sheer lunacy, Coulter's latest syndicated column for The Clarion-Ledger has spared no feelings and taken no prisoners in her epic battle with the world's favorite "sport" — soccer.

In 927 words, Coulter manages to paint herself as a racist, a sexist, and an idiot. Seriously, how can anyone pack that much anger and absurdity into a single post?

I’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade...But enough is enough. Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.

Yes, America. If you love soccer, you are morally degenerate. You also probably hate children, puppies, support gay marriage, and believe in racial equality. These things are also indicative of national moral decay.

Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls — all in front of a crowd.

Remember America, if you have to work as a team, you're not working at all. In fact, teamwork is antithetical to glory. One must wonder if Coulter only believes that teamwork is bad in sports, or if her disdain of cooperation extends to other things, like politics and the military. Seriously, Ann, can you work together in Washington or in war, or is it every man (and woman) for him or herself there too?

In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised.

First of all, Ann Coulter needs a refresher course in how scoring works in a sport like American football. A touchdown is six points, the extra point makes it seven. So what if we translate soccer scores into football scores? Take, for example, the 5-2 Switzerland vs. France last Friday, which in touchdown terms, would be 35-14. Pretty normal for a football game.

Moreover, claiming that there is no accountability in soccer is ludicrous. When it comes to individual responsibility, can you possibly think of a more stressful job than that of a goalie? And when it comes to heroes, have you heard of Cristiano Ronaldo, or Messi, or, you know, David Beckham? Yeah, that's what we thought.

Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. I’m already asleep.

No, Ann Coulter, the ball doesn't accidentally go in. Soccer fields are horizontal, and gravity doesn't pull the ball towards the goal. Go home, Ann Coulter, you're drunk.

Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.

So here, Ann Coulter suggests that girls are innately less athletically talented than boys. Also, if you let your kids play soccer, you are automatically a liberal monster. Sorry George H.W. Bush, your penchant for soccer just knocked you out of the GOP.

The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. Most sports are sublimated warfare.

If Ann Coulter had her way, we would still be watching gladiators skewer each other with swords and spears. It's more than a little weird that she thinks personal humiliation and/or major injury is a necessary component of a sport. And also makes no sense, considering that both of these unfortunate aspects are present in soccer. They're also part of most physical activities.

After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.

Takeaway: Ann Coulter loves violence, has never actually watched a soccer game.

You can’t use your hands in soccer. What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Here’s a great idea: Let’s create a game where you’re not allowed to use them!

Takeaway: runners are not real athletes, and any track and field event is not a real sport.

I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO’s “Girls,” light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton.

Whoa whoa whoa. Here you cross the line, Ann Coulter. You don't love Hillary Clinton?! You don't love Beyonce!? There is no hope for you.

It’s foreign. In fact, that’s the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer.

Hey Ann Coulter, you know what else is foreign? The majority of Americans. Yeah, you know, the ones who are immigrants, children of immigrants, or have immigrant ancestors. Pizza is also foreign. Chopsticks are foreign. Can we only eat hotdogs and only use forks now?

Coulter then takes some time to bash the metric system, which is European and bad, like soccer.

Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more “rational” than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man’s thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt.

Yes, Ann Coulter, everyone (and everyone is a man in this scenario) is the same size, with the same thumb, foot, and waist measurements. That makes sense.

If more “Americans” are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.

Ann Coulter's ideal America, ladies and gentlemen, is the pre-1965 one, where civil rights were a myth, racism was commonly accepted, and women's rights were nonexistent.