I had my first threesome in 2011. In Paris. As one does, I suppose. I had been having a fling with a French guy for a few weeks when we stumbled upon the topic of threesomes over coffee one afternoon. Again, as one does. I was about to go to Barcelona for a week for the first time, which brought us to the movie Vicky Christina Barcelona, and naturally the conversation evolved. I told him it was on my sexual bucket list, but had never actively pursued it. At that point, I was unsure as to how one would even arrange a threesome. Now I know differently.
While in Barcelona, he texted me, asking if I wanted to have a threesome with him and a friend. At first, I translated his suggestion as just wanting me to meet his friend, which seemed rather strange. But after going back and forth and clearing up my confusion, I realized he was being rather matter of fact. I hesitated … for 10 whole minutes. Or maybe 15; I can’t quite remember. But I agreed, and we made a date for the threesome for the night I got back to Paris.
Here are the things I wish I knew before I delved into my very first threesome that night.
1. It’s Not Always Best To Plan These Things
Unless you have a partner and need to come up with some ground rules for your threesome so it doesn’t hurt your relationship, it may be best to let things evolve organically. Having both these gentlemen over and drinking wine with them, fully knowing what we had in store, was so awkward. I’d put it up there with one of the most awkward moments of my life. Had it just happened, it would have been far easier.
2. But You Still Need To Talk About Stuff Beforehand
While I do think that these encounters should just come about organically, I realized once things got started that we still needed to cover certain things. I was a woman with two men, after all, and there were some sex acts I wasn’t interested in performing. For example, there would be no double penetration, nor Eiffel Towers. There were a couple other things on the list, too.
3. There Should Be No Negotiation Process
I’m naturally a negotiator. You give me this, then I’ll give you that, etc. So when I found myself negotiating how things would go down with the threesome, it didn’t seem strange to me — until after the fact. There is no negotiation in having a threesome. You put out what you’re comfortable with, what you’re not, and everyone accepts it. End of story.
4. It Takes A Lot Of Concentration
Regardless of who you're having a threesome with, it requires concentration — so much more than you’d ever need in a one-on-one sexual encounter. You all need to make sure everyone is getting equal attention, and it’s sort of exhausting. There was very little room for relaxation, because I felt like I needed to be on top of my game so as to not disappointing either of my partners. Which brings me to …
5. Someone Will Inevitably Feel Left Out
No matter how much effort you put into making everyone feel like they’re a part of things, there’s a reason the term “three's a crowd" exists. I mean, I was with two men, neither of whom were being intimate with each other, and I still felt left out at certain moments as they engaged in rapid-fire French, which even now I struggle to understand when it’s spoken so damn fast.
6. It Can Make You Second-Guess Your Bedroom Skills
I had never experienced feelings of inadequacy until that threesome. What faith I had in my sexual abilities was being challenged, so my mind went into overdrive. Will they both like this? Will one like it more? What will they say about me later? Should I do this a different way? Maybe I should pretend I’m a sleep?
7. Communication Is Essential
As a sex writer, I know that great sex is about communication. In fact, I write those words easily 50 times a week. But in that situation, my communication skills went out the window. I was so absorbed in what was going in my head and trying to make them both feel included that I didn’t even let communication be part of the scenario. Which, looking back, may have been one of the big issues that night. Threesome communication is even more necessary than when you're going at it one on one.
8. You May Want To Skip The Post-Sex Chat
Unless I’m in a relationship, I don’t see the point in talking about the sex I’ve just had with someone. Because, really, what’s there to recap? How one person came faster than the other? How someone didn’t come at all? How we should do it better next time? No thanks. Although that didn't stop the three of us from sitting on the couch talking about it. Ugh.
9. It May Be Worth Another Shot
I was doing this to cross it off a list. I wasn’t particularly into the idea in the first place, and once things got going, I started to realize that I’m probably not a threesome kind of gal. I did give it a couple more tries with different people. I wanted to make sure it was definitely not for me before I gave up on it altogether. I’m a firm believer that if at first you don’t succeed, you should try again — so I did. Still wasn’t for me. But at least I'm certain now, and my curiosity is long gone.
Images: Andrew Zaeh for Bustle; Giphy (5)
