Books
This Presidents Day, Read One Of These Weird Books About Presidents (Or, Um, Don't)
Public Service Announcement: There is an entire website dedicated to presidential slash fiction. Whether this is a public service announcement so that you can avoid it like the plague or head over there immediately is up to you, but it seems like the sort of thing that's worth mentioning on Presidents Day.
Obviously people write all kinds of weird stuff about presidents. But even weirder is the fact that a lot of it actually ends up in book form. From George Washington to Barack Obama, from conspiracy theories to erotic fiction, there are a lot of weird books out there about our nation's current or former commanders-in-chief. So if you'd like to celebrate you Presidents Day with a less... authorized... version of history, here are eight books that will serve you well.
'Zombie George Washington' by Gb Banks and Blaine Hislop
In this totally historically accurate novel, George Washington has been brought back to life as a zombie and decides to stop the corruption that has taken hold of America by conquering Washington DC — with his hoard of faithful zombies, of course. It promises to be ” World War Z meets Olympus Has Fallen.” Oh goody.
'Bush Went To Hell' by Varghese Kozhimannil
So, I appreciate the frustration, but writing a book about ”the deceptions perpetrated by Bush and his cronies” while presumably arguing why the 43rd president will be hanging out with Lucifer in the afterlife… It’s all still pretty weird. Like Dante only more… weird.
'Day Of Deceit: The Truth About FDR and Pearl Harbor' by Robert Stinnett
Did you know that Pearl Harbor was an inside job? No, not 9/11, Pearl Harbor. Yeah, apparently Roosevelt knew about the whole thing in advance and didn’t do anything. Crazy, right? No really, crazy, right?
'Presidential State of Affairs' by Emily Victoria
What, you’re not into presidential erotica? But it involves Barack Obama, a beautiful White House aide, and phrases like ”his body takes over his mind.” How could you not be into that?
'Dressage: A Mitt Romney/Paul Ryan Presidential Slash-fic' by Bailey Marie
Okay, okay, so Mitt Romney was never president (thankfully). But this particular gem was just to good to pass up. I mean, it’s about “the lengths Paul Ryan is willing to go through to gain the Vice Presidential nomination” and involves “scenes of hot, gay sex and animal roleplay.” Plus, it’s called Dressage !
So let’s just call it a “You Were Almost President” Day read.
'Hillary (and Bill): The Murder Volume' by Victor Thorne
Apparently there are a non-negligible number of people who believe that Bill Clinton had over a hundred of his political rivals killed. Or something. The logic here is hard to follow, but it will… actually probably not become clearer if you read the book. The third volume of the author’s The Clinton Trilogy, it follows the proud tradition of Hillary (and Bill): The Sex Volume and Hillary (and Bill): The Drugs Volume .
'The Ultimate Obama Survival Guide: How to Survive, Thrive, and Prosper During Obamageddon' by Wayne Allyn Root
There are approximately 5 billion books out there trying to detail exactly why Obama is the embodiment of pure evil (thank you, racism), but this author takes a special view of the situation and instead has produced: a survival guide. Because everyone knows ”Bad times are coming — how will you protect your family, save enough for retirement, and turn your home into a fortress?” How indeed. How indeed. We’ll just have to buy the book to find out.
'Abraham Lincoln: Presidential Fuck Machine' by Catherine DeVore
Oh come on! This is Abraham Lincoln for God’s sakes. Is nothing sacred anymore? Apparently not. Here’s what we can all expect from this lovely volume: ”Few people know that Abraham Lincoln was the greatest fuck machine of all time. His sexual prowess is unmatched in the history of American presidents. When he gets word of a nefarious plot hatched by the insane Emperor of Japan, he must learn to use his most potent power — the power of his cock!”
Happy Presidents Day, everyone.
