'The Princess Diaries' Got Sort Of Wild

I know I’ve mentioned up in down that The Princess Diaries 2 is a hilarious travesty of a film, but, in retrospect, the original is also a hilarious travesty of a film in all the best way. Truth is, I have very fond memories of Baby Mary Grace watching the movie in theaters and thinking, “One day, I too will be able to make my hair look quasi-presentable.” Anyway, the thing is, The Princess Diaries is a crazy film too if you look at it closely enough... but, like Mia’s offbeat behavior, it’s all part of the movie’s charm.

To recap, The Princess Diaries is about how 15-year-old Mia Thermopolis gets the surprise of a lifetime from her estranged grandmother Clarice. It’s, um, that she’s a princess... obviously. More than that, she has to make a decision on whether she truly wants to take the throne. Between princess lessons and the magic of a flat iron, Mia begins to wrestle with her identity, and the very scary question of: “Do you have what it takes to rule?”

Um. As the previously mentioned sequel would suggest, she does have what it takes, so there really isn’t a twist ending here or anything. Regardless, there’s a lot of laughably strange things along the way, so here are all the chronologically documented weird moments from The Princess Diaries.

1. Mia Starts Each Day With Pole-Dancing Lessons

No, she lives in a refurbished fire house, which is... far less strange.

2. "I'm Lana!" "Anna!" "Fontana!"

Um, first of all, no way three girls with similar sounding names are best friends. Also, who does cheerleading routines like that in front of the school like it's a natural way to hang out?

3. Mia Is So Stunningly Beautiful She Receives Lap Dances On The Regular

No, I mean, she's basically a troll by this movie's standards, but I don't really know how people can't spot her from a mile away.

4. Presenting: The Grossest People In Line At Starbucks

Who has that kind of bubblegum-biting energy at 8 a.m.?

5. Meanwhile Mia's Giggling Like A Loon At The Thought Of Having Her Bubblegum Bitten By That Loser

Her face says, "How dreamy!" while her hair says, "yer a wizard, Harry."

6. Again, The Idiot On The Left Is Supposed To Be The Hottest Guy In School

Seen here next to the actual legitimately hot musician on the right.

7. Kid Could Use A Bang Trim, Though

He's half an inch from going full Fall Out Boy.

8. "Why WouId You Pick Me To Be Your Princess?"

I mean, she didn't pick you. That's not how being born into royalty works.

9. Then Mia's Mom Is All Like, "I Didn't Want To Be A Princess, I Wanted to Live In A Firehouse And Paint"

First of all, why would you commit to marrying Mia's father if you felt that way (and wouldn't he have had to forfeit his crown upon that marriage?). And, listen, I live a quasi-bohemian bartend-at-a-pizza-place life in Brooklyn because I want to be writer, BUT IF SOMEONE OFFERS YOU A TIARA, YOU TAKE THE TIARA.

10. "Fat Louie, You Are So Lucky You Don't Know Who Your Parents Are"

And Fat Louie's all, "I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about."

11. Quick Reminder That This Apartment Is a Logistical Nightmare

12. They're Stoked Because They Got A Limo Ride To The Terrible Hair Club Meeting

It's for gold card members only.

13. Also, Does Lilly Carry A Dead Otter As Her Purse?

I have some concerns.

14. I Honestly Still Don't Understand How People Can Hate Anne Hathaway

I mean, come on.

15. Fifty Shades Of Mia

16. Professional Help Is Enlisted To Tame Mia's Hair Before The Yule Ball

She needs to look her best when she shows up escorted by Viktor Krum.

17. Also These Are The Best Groomers In All Of Europe Yet They Don't Think You Just Wax

Seems suspect.

18. "I'll Tell You What, While We're Waiting, How About A Foot Massage?"

Yeah, that's not weird. I accept foot massages from my classmates all the time.

19. This Is Also How I Kiss Everyone

I know she's a princess and all, but do you really want to have that to be well-photographed evidence that you can't make out properly?

20. "You Guys Want To Help Me?"

"Yeah, Josh is such an idiot."

21. "I Don't Want To Flunk You In Gym Class."

I'm sorry, aren't you pretty much all good on not-flunking-in-gym-class so long as you, like, show up?

22. Mia Is Wearing Fat Louie-Print Boxers Over Her Leggings

And we want to trust her with a country. OK.

23. BUT WHAT MUST THIS TASTE LIKE?

24. Anyway, Here Is A Cat In A Tiara

#FatLouieForPrincessOfGenovia.

Yeah, I don't know, The Princess Diaries isn't royally messed up or anything, but it definitely has its moments of, "Huh?" that just makes us love it even more.

Images: Disney (30)