Motherhood changes you in a number of ways: Your body expands, then contracts, then settles at a size and shape that may or may not be different than you’re used to. Your world shifts ever-so-slightly when your kid is born, as you can almost feel your heart expand to hold this new and overwhelming love (and the new and overwhelming stress, and the new and overwhelming demands on your time). You might not shower as often because, honestly, ain't no multitasking mom got time for that. You definitely learn how to function on absolutely no sleep whatsoever, for an extended and painful amount of time. You grow eyes in the back of your head, and start to understand weird things your mom used to say when you were a kid like "I've got eyes in the back of my head."
And, inevitably, you start to speak differently. Injuries become “boo boos”; an inappropriate behavior turns into a “naughty”; bowel movements are forever “potties”; simple tasks, like putting on a shirt or saying a single-syllable word, are worthy of extreme celebration and over-exaggerated praise. But what would happen if you couldn’t turn your “mom talk” off? What would the world look like if we talked to our friends the way we talk to their young children?
The hilarious geniuses at BreakWomb answered that question for us with a hilarious video and, well, it’s as strange as it is eye-opening.
I mean, it's true: When you look at what we say to our kids objectively, a lot of it is strange as hell. We overreact about a new shirt, and ask almost comically simple questions about the new shirt, and wonder what super-cool new things you can do with the new shirt. In fact, if you were our kid, we wouldn't be able to shut up about your new shirt.
There would be no end to the condescending questions we'd ask, accompanied by the well-known, patented "mom head tilt," of course.
We wouldn't pour ourselves a single drop of wine until we've finished our first glass, which is blasphemous to even type. I don't care what your rules are for your kids, no wine glass should ever become fully empty before being refilled. Ugh, it hurts to even think about.
In fact, we wouldn't pour our own wine at all. That's way too much responsibility.
We'd try far too hard to save one another from unwanted germs. (They're everywhere, don't you know.)
And when we inevitably fail at being neat and tidy, we'd clean up one another with wipes and help each other apply hand sanitizer because, hey, that's what good friends are for.
Of course, the constant compliments on how goddamn adorable we are would be pretty great.
We'd be consciously respectful of one another's space (and fragility, apparently).
We'd be quick to call one another out when our attitudes get the best of us, using the "countdown method."
We would put an end to borrowing one another's clothes or, well, anything else.
And, let's be honest, who wouldn't like to sing a little song every time they said goodbye to their friends?
You can watch the video in it's entirety below, but we have to warn you: Laughter and/or the inexplicable urge to talk like a mom for the remainder of your day, will definitely be a thing.
Images: The BreakWomb/YouTube (13)
